Replies: 14

cindykay Posts: 284 Registered: 6/5/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 8, 2010 7:58 PM   Reply 3 Boys, One of the things my daughter always said that too much time doing nothing was one of the worst things she had to endure while attempting to stay clean and sober. Too much time gave her the time to use. We insisted she find a job. We drove her as we took the car. She was over 18, but we paid the insurance. When not at work, we insisted she attend meetings to keep her brain on something other than the thought of using. I believe there has to be a schedule and they have to learn to adhere to a schedule. Whether that be work, hobbies, exercise or meetings. Too much time got them where they are and will take them back very quickly. Hope this helps. My daughter has always said, "If I want to use, I will find the way. It is not your consequence. It is mine." She was right as painful as it was for me.

3 Boys Posts: 10 Registered: 12/29/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 8, 2010 9:56 PM   Reply We have tried a schedule with chores, encouraged hobbies and know work would benefit him not only financially but mentally. He is just not motivated. We have been hard workers all our lives and tried to lead by example. I just don't know how to get him to be productive. Thanks for the words of encouragement, they truly do help.

An addict's Mom Posts: 143 Registered: 6/4/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 9, 2010 7:08 AM   Reply The effects of depression and anxiety can't be overlooked. Both can be paralyzing when left untreated. My son has been sober for 33 months. When he first came home from treatment I had to fight the frustration that comes with recovery sometimes being a slow process. What I had to hold on to however, was that he was actively working through an outpatient aftercare, AA meetings and was doing things like calling his sponsor daily as well as working on his program pretty much from the start. He was seeing a terrific psychiatrist who stressed over and over to me the importance of treating the mental struggles along with working on a program. ( He suffers from OCD, Depression, anxiety with panic). This psychiatrist also required that he see a behavioral therapist at least weekly. I am not sure what part of this was most critical to his sobriety - but something worked. I can imagine your frustration at seeing the same patterns re-emerging, after all, you have been down that road already and none of us wants to go back. Know that you are in my prayers for strength and serenity at this time.. Laura

Ann Posts: 646 Registered: 6/6/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 9, 2010 9:54 PM   Reply Laura, everything you just said in your post I have found to be true. My son is actively involved in groups and therapy and was doing better until the holidays came upon us. He relapsed and we are now back on the merry go round. I am beginning to understand that a relapse does not mean there is no hope. Actually, sometimes it seems to take many relapses for an addict to stay sober and even then things can change in a moment. One thing I'm learning for sure and that is that I have absolutely no control over my son's addiction and I have made myself sick many times. I'm better, but have so much work to do as far as taking care of myself the way I should. Ann

sunaunt Posts: 7 Registered: 12/27/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 10, 2010 11:33 AM   Reply Hi! Your story is my story. We went thru the same stuff right after rehab...sleeping all day, doing nothing, no job hunting, just stalemate totally. He eventually got arrested again buying dope. As folks state in the post, idle time is dangerous for an addict. There's to much time to 'stay in inside their head'. He lost his license for not paying fines, so that put the breaks on harder. No ambition but to get high. That culminated on 8/18 when he had his first OD. He's been out of the house and out of the state since, 60 days in rehab and we're basically paying his rent in a sober living community JUST to keep some of our sanity. He's only 21. The more you learn about addiction, the more you will learn that you are recovery also and what you can do for yourself. We as parents, especially mothers are the FIRST ENABLERS of our addicts. I'm still doing it by paying his rent. They say they have to 'learn what it's like to be homeless and on the street' before they decide they are tired of being sick and tired. Right now, I just want a roof over his head and clean place to sleep at night. The rest is up to him. He's on his 2nd strike of relapsing and getting kicked out. He averages a relapse every 40-43 days.....since August. His 3rd relaspe (and I hope to God there's not one) is the final straw for me. After that I have to let him go...... Just keep coming here for support and the strength YOU need to live your life. Hugs

waterdance Posts: 624 Registered: 6/10/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 10, 2010 12:17 PM   Reply Good Morning All, I'm aching reading all these drug stories. Does anyone have the answers? I, myself was a big enabler and not for just a little while but years and years. I truly thought they would "outgrow" their addictions. People talk about them hitting bottom. As my kids got older all three became high earners. They were bingers.....alright for months at a time. And of course I thought all was going to be alright. Time has gone on and now I will no longer give out money, bail anyone out, house them, feed them etc. etc. I don't like Chuck sending money to his mother because she has 4 druggies asking for money day in and day out. In a round about way we are still supporting addicts. After all this time I now feel I should have withdrawn all help and walked away. I know, it's easier said than done. I have found that I can do it now and found that the more you say NO the easier it gets. And when you quit shelling out you will find that your kids will find a way to survive. Some will quit. Some won't. Just don't go down the drain with them...emotionally and financially. Love, Deb

waterdance Posts: 624 Registered: 6/10/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 8, 2010 9:10 PM   Reply Hello 3 boys, Have you ever heard the expression "I'm between the devil and the deep blue sea"? That's where you are. You help, you don't help. No one really knows the answers. I had 3 kids. Was there for everything, helped with everything, spent thousands of dollars. I was busy putting kids in business, buying cars, paying bills, taking care of grandkids, paying for lawyers, on and on it went. I was the Denial Queen. I knew little about drugs and felt they would "outgrow" their habits. Believe it or not, most of the them do. Mine didn't. One died in 2005 age 48, Another heavy into meth, age 54 and hasn't seen me for four years. (My husband and I quit shelling out, quit housing etc. etc.) The third one I see and she works but has a drinking problem which she claims she doesn't drink as much as I think she does. You are going to do what you want. And you should. Read as much as you can about adiction. Learn to put yourserlf first for a change. Watch your finances. Develope your own inner resources. He will quit or he won't. Tell him it's up to him. Yes, I would have done many things differently. Gaining knowledge will help you. Think about surviving yourself so that you can get your own life back and feel joy in living again. So many of us are here for you whenever you want to write. Thinking of you, Deb

3 Boys Posts: 10 Registered: 12/29/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 8, 2010 9:49 PM   Reply Thanks Deb, So sorry to hear of your loss, can't imagine the pain. I have read alot about addiction and realize it is all up to him. The hardest part for me is figuring out how to be happy when his life is such a mess. They say a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child, this is true. It's not only deciding the right thing to do but thr logistics of it. How do you kick them out when they have nowhere to go and not a dime? I am trying to figure things out. This forum does help. It's so much easier to talk with parents who know what you are going through.

mayabee Posts: 89 Registered: 9/10/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 9, 2010 12:07 AM   Reply This is a hard one. Rehab is a very different atmosphere. When my son was in rehab, he was kept busy all the time- classes, groups, journaling, reading, exercise, AA/NA meetings, and he was surrounded by people who were all going through similar things - very closeknit, intense relationships, lots of emotion. Your son may still be processing some stuff, may be depressed at leaving that environment (you mentioned that he suffers from depression), and depending on what drug he was using, may still be recovering from physical and mental effects. So... his behavior isn't really surprising but you're right to be concerned about his inactivity. Does he go to meetings? Did his rehab set him up with any sort of after-care program? Have you talked with him about some sort of schedule? You might suggest that he actually write up a daily plan- wake at a certain time (set an alarm clock), go for walk or get some other type of exercise, go to X number of companies per day and put in applications, go to a 12 step meeting, do some household chore... some sort of structure. I know this is a challenging time for your family.

lori-in-irvine Posts: 109 Registered: 11/29/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 9, 2010 1:14 PM   Reply Since everyone's situation is unique there's no one-fits-all solution but just my 2 cents: my son sounds very similar to yours, has some depression and anxiety going on,no motivation and easily fell back into his own patterns when he came out of rehab, just took the path of least resistance and started using again. After the last go-round with rehab we didn't let him come home, he is in a sober living home with a program and is forced to work steps, volunteer at various church sponsored events, do bible study, assist on small construction projects around the house, do chores, they keep him busy morning thru night and he gets the support of other addicts and has a sponsor at the home. He obeys the rules there whereas at our home my son would argue with us constantly and like always was trying to manipulate us and would push all our buttons. Granted, it's a delicate sobriety, and his overall addict personality is still alive and well, but changes take time and I think this gives him the best chance to stay sober and gives my husband and I our sanity back for now. The only drawback is the expense, which we are footing with difficulty, but we did find an affordable place and it may be the only option for us. If our son comes back I know it won't be long beore he relapses and drags us into his insane world. Yes, we are between the devil and the deep blue sea, an apt description!

Fatima Posts: 125 Registered: 12/30/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 9, 2010 1:58 PM   Reply Lori-in-Irvine, My son is in his 5th rehab and will be getting out next month. We're also looking at a sober living home with a program that has bible studies and the steps. Could you please offer me some help with names of places. I am near the San Fernando Valley but will consider other areas, of course affordable. My husband I believe that our son needs to continue with a structured environment. Thank yo for your help

lori-in-irvine Posts: 109 Registered: 11/29/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 10, 2010 12:37 AM   Reply Fatima, email me at polliwog2frog@cox.net My son is at a home in Orange County near Anaheim. It is a faith based and 12 step program. There is alot of supervision and structure, I'll fill you in on the details.

lori-in-irvine Posts: 109 Registered: 11/29/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 10, 2010 10:22 PM   Reply Enabling is a weird thing. Until we finally came to realize the hopelessly of our children's addiction (which takes a while cause it's so unbelieveable) we had no idea we were enabling. We participated in actions that would be considered merely "supportive" had our children been NORMAL. It's a real leap to regard paying your child's cell phone bill (so they can contact us in an emergency) as an agent of their self destruction (when used to make drug buys). We had to redefine our entire concept of support, parenting and love. It's different for each of us, where the boundaries are, and they keep changing. Hitting bottom works for some addicts, but for others bottom is death. My son uses until he is unconscious, living on the street does not deter him. He doesn't care if he lives or dies. I'm not ready to let him go yet, I would have too much guilt for not doing everything I could to save him. We may not be able to save our kids, but have to know we did all we could. That's a hard place to get to, I have a long journey still ahead. Maybe I'm just delaying the inevitable at the expense of my own sanity and quality of life. I wish I had some answer.

lilypad Posts: 143 Registered: 10/14/09 Re: 1 Week Home Posted: Jan 10, 2010 10:52 PM   Reply This is such a tough topic. It would be so nice to have an instruction manual with all the "right" answers! My son is 90 days clean. I pray every day that he continues to stay clean, finishes high school, finds good friends...he is still a minor so we are responsible for him but the sober living house sounds like a really good compromise for your son who is home from rehab. It will help take the pressure off of you to be the one with all the expectations and requirements. Praying for you. Keep coming back.