I am starting to not enjoy the forum as much as I once did. From the moment I entered into this site, I wasn't looking for comfort to guide me through a crisis, but rather read others posts and took the time to sympathize and comfort them in their pain. I had just finished reading Beautiful Boy and was just researching when I came upon the site. Once I joined in I noticed so many others in here sharing and caring. It almost seemed as though everyone in here was bonding, even if it was a virtual bond, there was a certain bond. Now that I have been on this site for quite some time now, what I notice is that only a select few actually share that bond and reach out to others. I have noticed some people that come in and out of this forum for their own satisfaction only. I have seen a couple respond to each and every posting of pain, trying to comfort and support the author of the post. It does break my heart that others in here don't share their experiences and pain with others as they know how it feels when they are comforted themselves. Maybe I am wrong in what I am seeing...and I hope I am.
Rosena, I read your post yesterday morning and have thought about it alot. This forum has helped me so much! I feel a bond with others here that I don't have anywhere else. I find that before I go to bed I come here to see how everyone is doing. When there is pain, sadness and yes happiness, I like to respond. Anyway, reading your post made me think back a few months when I heard in Alanon that service to other's is the beginning of our healing? Honestly, I threw the book down! I thought WHAT??? The very life has been sucked out of me and I'm suppose to GIVE? Why? Today, I realized why! I have been coming here and trying to offer hope, friendship, or anything at all to others who are in this horrible struggle. I don't have all the answers, I just know how good it is to talk to others who understand, so I try to reach out. What I realized today is that what I read is true! When I began to reach out and stopped thinking of myself I started healing. I know I have a long way to go, but realizing that this has been healing for me caught me off guard. Thinking of you, Ann
So today, I am wondering if you (Rosena) are ok? The thought of worrying about your new grandchild who is in danger makes me sad. I am wondering if Deb (Waterdance) is feeling better? She had a few days of unusual depression and I hope that she is better? I hope that Ginamac is staying strong, although I know it's not easy. I could go on and on, so many in here are hurting. It is as though I am carrying their heart in my heart. I don't feel burdened by this, I feel thankful that one thing I have learned is that we are not alone. It's by reaching out to each other here that we can begin to heal. At first I was so overwhelmed that all I could do is come here and seek comfort, sometimes I still need that! However, when I started seeking to comfort I began to feel alive again. Thank you all for sharing and caring with me. Lets remember that while there are strong people on the forum, they also need comfort and support too. Love to all, Ann
Hi Ann, Hi Rosena, Hi to all, What you have written Ann has really touched me. This is truly a sisterhood. Here I am getting depressed when I know only too well how rich my life really is. What do I want ...perfection?My daughter Stella is lost to me for at least 3 and a half years, maybe much longer. I just couldn't see it. I was in denial and went along with her program when all the while her main concern was getting pills, meth whatever. She always had a story, always a plan. It's me that will finally have to accept this loss. I think of how much I wanted for all 3 of them...it makes me ache. Will I be alright? Yes, Because there's so much more to live for. I've been blessed with a brain that knows this. Love to you Ann and Roesena...Best wishes all, Deb ....waterdance
Roaena, some of us may seem that we come and go and are not fully committed to others problems but sometimes when I read what some of you are going thru I think of the enormity of your problems and just want to cry. My daughter's problem are bad but I don't know how you handle it all. I don't know how to respond. We all have a unique circumstances. Just because I haven't been there lately, it doesn't mean I'm not praying and thinking of everyone on this forum.
Dear bethmom, Thank you for your caring post.It is true all of us have unique problems with our addicted kids, husbands. And we are all in different stages,,,some WILL recover, some not. Kids that are teens or in their twenties can mature out of their addictions. Most do. And many recover on their own without rehab or AA, Over 60 per cent.I can remember going with my son John to visit a family he knew in Beatty Nevada. They had lost two children to drugs. I told them how sorry I was without even imagining that this would happen to me. When I say that most come out of this it's true. My two oldest with "genius" IQ's never matured away from their addictions. Rosena, Your boys could very well do an about face. Take care, Deb waterdance
I keep starting and re-starting this post because I don't know what to say and then I get a pang of guilt because I feel like I'm one of the ones who just pops in and reads and randomly replies and isn't as committed to daily involvement with my online 'family' as I should be. Some days I pop on to check on everyone and I don't reply but am praying for everyone and thinking of you all and your struggles (I am in a very visible place in my office and work for all the big shots etc and am afraid they'll see me online). Right now I am completely consumed by my drama with husband.
I just turned off my phone, the husband is harassing me and now says he wants the kids' DNA tested (???) hello - they are his spitting image and they act just like him, one even has his same IDENTICAL birthmark on his left thigh! Ok deep breaths. Its gonna get a lot nastier before its all done. He still isn't dealing with his addiction or mental illness.
I feel the need to give you all a ((HUG)). I wish I could do it in person, I wish we all could meet in person on a weekly basis right down the street or something.
P.S. Ann I couldn't have worded it better myself. You are completely right, in every aspect, giving of ourselves helps not only others but ourselves. Even when my life is falling apart, if I can offer a shoulder for a friend or take grandma some soup and just hold her hand to comfort her, it does wonders for me and my own heart and soul. One of the worst days I had last week I went to comfort someone else and in helping them I helped myself.
I don't know how I would be able to handle all of this with my son and husband without the best advice of all though that you've all given me - TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!!
Waterdance, You posted that maybe my sons would and could still change. I so thank you for your hopefulness, but in all honesty, having four sons all over the age of 25 who have been in the drug scene for well over 15 years, I highly doubt that. If even one of them was to change, you have no idea what joy that would bring, but at this stage in the game, I am just thankful everyday that they are all still alive. I have read so many posts in here of parents who have lost a child, even you Waterdance, and I can not imagine your pain. My daily crisis seems minimal compared to that struggle you have. At least I have hope, at least there is still a battle. I thank those of you, like Waterdance who remind me that I am blessed, even during a crisis, there is a reason to find some peace. Today I hurt, bad, but I come and read so many others' pain and know I am not alone. I also am reminded that no matter how bad things are, they could always be worse.
My agenda in this posting was to get all of us to actually to get everyone to see that we all need each other. We don't know each other, but ALL of us share a common bond. Yes, everyone in here thinks I am the strong one, and I am honored to be seen as that, but I have bad days too, I still cry, I still hurt. My family is a constant crisis, but I have learned my limits. I am learning it is okay to hurt and okay to cry, as long as I don't obsess over it all and lose myself in it. I no longer shoulder the guilt or the responsibility. I have learned that the ball is in their court, and they are the only ones who can make anything happen, either positive or negative. I will stand up for the innocent victims in this. I won't just stand by and let my grandchildren fight the battle alone. I will do my best, even though I know it was cause me a different kind of grief, it is one that I welcome. I have been down this road before, but this time I am stronger and more educated about it.
Ginamac, I understand you are having such a hard time. My posts was not directed at any one person. My entire point behind the posting was that if we can't depend on each other in here, how can we expect to depend on anyone else? In here are others that not only know our pain, but feel it. This forum for me is not just a sharing experience, but a bonding and learning experience. I am getting stronger everyday and reading and posting in here is one of the many tools that I use to do that!
Good Morning All!! Here I am up in the middle of the night...still happens.. ...but not as much as right after John died. I do go to a poker site and play for free....good distraction. There are times that I feel I'm doing well then wham-o the bottom falls out. Don't really know what brings it on. Accepting loss is hard. Even with a rough childhood I did well in school, Am highly self-educated, Started a business on nothing in Las Vegas with my own idea, did very well. Even in the hardscramble times raising the kids I never felt sorry for myself, never cried even. Was always positive.Found a solution for every problem. Now I feel somewhat marooned on a boat somewhere. What I imagined my family would become is so far away. And can never be. I've gained weight and now will have to force myself to walk...hate it. Someone said it would help with the depression. More in next post...Deb
I feel pretty gabby this morning so you all will just have to suffer through. My mother-in-law from hell had a birthday Saturday. I made her a big album of photographs of her family, Chuck and I. Photos she's never seen. Added photos of this great property:sunsets,sunflowers, honeysuckle, the dogs, cats etc. Worked all day and mailed it off priority mail. Chuck called, She thanked him, said she liked it. Didn't say a word to me. What's with her anyway??? This family is unbelievible. Great writing material. Ginamac, I hope you are doing alright...you have so much to go through right now. Think about keeping a journal. It will become invaluable to you years from now. Rosena, Yes things could change for your boys.I have known some heavy drug users, drinkers out of the blue just up and quit without rehab,AA, medication. In fact I know quite a few. A couple I know quit meth after 15 years and didn't replace it with alcohol.(Been clean now for 7 years) With mine I was always waiting looking for any tiny sign. Mine were and are bingers so I had false hope a lot. Love to all, Deb........waterdance
I feel bad for you today WaterDance. You seem to just be hanging on. I understand that feeling, trust me. I wish I had words of encouragement for you, but today is tough for me also, so all I can offer is understanding today. I do understand how you feel today. I understand the depression, as I am in my own right now! Just try, as do I to find something to be positive about today. Today my positive feeling is that I have a couple dollars in my pocket and my pants aren't too tight and I can still get into my pockets! Humor is my one vice. Its the only thing on my worst of days that can try to bring me up when down. I am trying to find humor today so that I can smile. If I can smile, then inside feels a little better. Droning on about why I am depressed gets me or no one else anywhere. Trying to find a way out of this black hole today is my agenda!
Rosena, I just returned from a 10 day family vacation with the family and vowed to leave my fingers off the computer, which I did. After reading many posts, I too have to agree with bethmom. Sometimes I just don't know what to say when I read the heartache and pain of so many here. I feel selfish at times as my daughter is better today than she has been in 6 1/2 years and tonight will receive her 7 month coin at AA. At times when I read the struggles, I have to close my eyes as my pain is still so fresh and I start to relapse. It is not that I don't care about all of you here, your posts have made me so much stronger but I feel the pain in each word you all write. During my worst days I was so alone and this post was not available. I celebrate my daughters sobriety but at the same time still suffer from those still suffering. It is hard to go back sometimes and I cannot find the words even though right now I seem to be babbling. Just know I walk the same path and today fear of walking it again.
Cindy and everyone in here, whether you have responded or not. My intention for this posting was not to make anyone feel worst than they already feel, but to have everyone understand that we have a site that we can use to bounce things off of each other, to bond, to share and to express our pain. I think there are a lot of wonderful people in here of all races, walks of life, financial status and we all come here together and none of that matters. Our pain and our common bond are what matters!