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Topic: Follow Up on Need Advice
Replies: 6   Pages: 1   Last Post: Dec 9, 2010 4:32 PM by: Fatima

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Replies: 6
Fatima

Posts: 125
Registered: 12/30/09
Follow Up on Need Advice
Posted: Dec 2, 2010 12:47 PM
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My youngest daughter came to visit us the day after Thanksgiving. We hadn't seen her in months. Although we were so happy to see her, our hearts ache over her frail condition. My once beautiful child, is so thin (looks anorexic). We spoke words of love and concern. For the first time she admitted that she was wrong in getting herself hooked on meth..we offered help but she refused. Sadly she only stayed 1 hour. I was so tempted to turn her in since she has a warrant..my oldest daughter and husband said no.. she wasn't high or posed any threat to herself or others.. and then if we did she would hate us and never call us again. What a terrible dilemma!! I thank God that I got a chance to hold her....I haven't been able to sleep well since. It happens every time I see her. I texted her some days later and tried to reach out to her by telling her that without passing any judgement on her lifestyle that I wanted to understand why she does what she does and how her choices affect me, for her to open her heart out to me. Her answer was "STOP IT..YOU'RE STRESSING ME OUT, STOP IT". Wow, she's stressed out!! how about us, her family?? I went to an AlAnon meeting that day and shared this with friends, their advice is for me to stop asking her questions and basically say nothing but love her...So are we as parents not supposed to say anything to them? just let them be and continue to walk on egg shells.. don't they need to hear our cries and our words of wisdom? I guess I'm still in square one.. I don't get it... I feel so helpless and clueless ...
I visited my son in jail last week. He's coming out in 3 weeks. He doesn't have a place to go...burned all bridges with us and family. It's been a relief to know he's not in the streets. My heart hurts for him too..however he's 31 and we have decided to let him make his own choices from now on. Thanks for reading this long post. I certainly always appreciate your comments.


Lori

Posts: 28
Registered: 9/29/10
Re: Follow Up on Need Advice
Posted: Dec 3, 2010 12:49 PM
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I watch my husband desperately trying to "talk sense" into my son, and like you, probe for "answers" but this is a futile undertaking, really, the addict has long disconnected from the conversation, my husband is really doing for this for himself more than anything, to regain that "connection" and feeling that he and my son are still "communicating" but this is an illusion. My son is only interested in exploiting my husband whenever possible.

Your daughter will only be able to "hear" your words through a sober mind. Addicts are unable to care about anyone else, they are adrift at sea, lost. One way to get her sober is to get the local police to work with you. You can have her arrested, if she is high she will be taken to detox, then into protective custody as a 5150. Then the courts can order her into rehab. They have power over your daughter you don't have. I did this with my son and it gained us 6 months of sobriety. Worrying about whether she will "hate" you or not should not deter you from doing the right thing, cause she will never be able to love you or anyone as long as drugs control her. If you can get her away from these drugs for even a short while she could see things in a different light, it's possible and worth a try perhaps.


Fatima

Posts: 125
Registered: 12/30/09
Re: Follow Up on Need Advice
Posted: Dec 3, 2010 8:19 PM
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You're right Lori, it's so futile to try to reason with our kids when they're acting irrational and their brain not working right. So because of my text, now she won't call or text knowing how worried I am about her. My daughter has always manipulated me and taken advantage of my love for her. Regarding calling the authorities, I didn't do it because she wasn't high. I didn't know that she could be arrested just by being high without possession of drugs.


waterdance

Posts: 624
Registered: 6/10/09
Re: Follow Up on Need Advice
Posted: Dec 4, 2010 11:56 AM
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Good Morning Fatima...Thinking about you. Seeing your daughter: This must have been terrible for you seeing her condition. I haven't seen Stella in almost 5 years. Husband Chuck says "She's doing you a favor". He might be right. She's been on meth now for at least 7 years, other drugs and alcohol before that. She called about 3 months ago out of the blue telling me her house payment was 4 months behind (308.00a month). I asked her if she was getting a 8,000 rebate check. She was silent then said yes. I think she already got it but didn't want to say because she owed her sister over a 1.000. They do lie a lot and all they think about is their drug. Your son and daughter-in-law are wrong...She could have been arrested because there is a warrent and there will be NO BAIL. It's so sad that we need jails and courts to maybe get our kids clean. Do you know where she is? I would have her arrested. It just may put some weight on her and she will live a bit longer. She may even decide to quit drugs. Who knows?The whole thing is a high stakes poker game. Believe me I know. She only stayed an hour because she was highly paranoid. Can you arrange another meeting and have her arrested? I wish I could have Stella arrested right now. When I'm feeling better I intend to make the 90 mile trip and just show up to see what's what. Take care of yourself and your family at home with you. Love and hugs today, Deb


motto

Posts: 10
Registered: 11/9/10
Re: Follow Up on Need Advice
Posted: Dec 9, 2010 11:01 AM
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Fatima, I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you to see your daughter looking so frail. I think it's a hopeful sign that she came to see you. In spite of the disease that is overwhelming her body, your child is still in there, and she still loves you.

When my son was totally out of control, we were lucky to have a juvenile court system that was willing to work with us. When he got arrested for burglary, we let them keep him in detention rather than take him home in our custody. He was placed on probation and house arrest. We waited for him to violate his probation (we knew he would, he was an addict after all). He did. Then, as hard as it was, we called the police and his probation officer. His probation officer talked to the judge, and the judge offered him jail or rehab. He knew what jail was like, so he chose rehab. Thank God. This was his turning point. He came out clean, relapsed once, and has been clean now for over a year.

It was a huge gamble. But I was willing to risk being hated in order to save his life. That's what it came down to: preserve the pathetic shreds of what was left of our relationship, or try to save his life. No choice at all, really.

There's nothing quite like the shame and devastation of seeing your kid in handcuffs, in jail, standing before a judge, or the wicked hatred in their eyes as they blame you for everything. Or their horrible words. We experienced all of this. But it was better than death.

You asked, "don't they need to hear our cries and our words of wisdom?" They can't hear us. They are too sick. Their brains are literally disabled from the drugs. It's like trying to make a person with Alzheimer's Disease start remembering things. The only thing our words do is give them more stress, which gives them an excuse to use more. So save your breath. Text her that you love her. Don't ask for explanations and don't discuss addiction, just remind her you love her. You obviously do.

Then, if you can stomach it, see if you can arrange for her to get arrested so she can get some help. I always believed that addicts had to be "willing" for treatment to work. My son was not "willing" at all. As we dropped him off at treatment, he said he hoped we would crash our car and die on the way home. Yet, after 2 months in rehab, things began to change. He became himself again, and there is love in our home again. Last week he texted me "I love u so much. I would nvr be who i am without u." Unbelievable!! So, don't lose hope. Things can get better even when it seems impossible, or too late.


Fatima

Posts: 125
Registered: 12/30/09
Re: Follow Up on Need Advice
Posted: Dec 9, 2010 4:32 PM
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Hi Motto, thank you for your caring words and wise advice. We did have our daughter arrested while a minor 2 years ago. In fact, she was placed in juvenile hall for almost 2 months. We chose that over house arrest because we knew she would cut off the device and run away. We then sent her to a Therapeutic program for 15 months out of state making frequent trips for therapy, etc. , this cost us close to 70,000. Unfortunately as soon as she turned 18 she walked out with another girl, and so for the last 18 months she's been on her own doing meth. So I do know what is like to have your child in custody, visiting in jail and dealing with the courts, judge, probation officer and all that goes with it. I didn't call the cops two weeks ago when we saw her because she wasn't high, disruptive or in danger to us/herself. I do know she has an outstanding bench warrant and have considered hiring a private detective to get her arrested. My husband and older daughter don't agree. They believe that because of my daughter's lifestyle she's bound to get stopped and arrested on her own without our intervention. I continue to struggle over this...


Fatima

Posts: 125
Registered: 12/30/09
Re: Follow Up on Need Advice
Posted: Dec 9, 2010 4:32 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

Hi Motto, thank you for your caring words and wise advice. We did have our daughter arrested while a minor 2 years ago. In fact, she was placed in juvenile hall for almost 2 months. We chose that over house arrest because we knew she would cut off the device and run away. We then sent her to a Therapeutic program for 15 months out of state making frequent trips for therapy, etc. , this cost us close to 70,000. Unfortunately as soon as she turned 18 she walked out with another girl, and so for the last 18 months she's been on her own doing meth. So I do know what is like to have your child in custody, visiting in jail and dealing with the courts, judge, probation officer and all that goes with it. I didn't call the cops two weeks ago when we saw her because she wasn't high, disruptive or in danger to us/herself. I do know she has an outstanding bench warrant and have considered hiring a private detective to get her arrested. My husband and older daughter don't agree. They believe that because of my daughter's lifestyle she's bound to get stopped and arrested on her own without our intervention. I continue to struggle over this...





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