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Topic: Need advice
Replies: 3   Pages: 1   Last Post: Nov 26, 2010 3:10 PM by: Fatima

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Replies: 3
Fatima

Posts: 125
Registered: 12/30/09
Need advice
Posted: Nov 23, 2010 7:55 PM
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Hello everyone,
These past 3 weeks have been truly trying and filled with another round of disappointments. My oldest son age 31 was arrested and has been sentenced until Jan/11. As most of you know, he walked out of a paid program and ended up in some program/ministry which had him collecting funds in front of a supermarket. Knowing his pattern, he left and was arrested. I've taken some calls but have not deposited any money into his jail account. We've been through that road before, and frankly we're just worn out. My husband and I have been debating weather or not to visit him. Only 1 uncle has done so. We are inclined to visit him; the whole jail visit experience really brings me down. We've also found out about a place in Los Angeles called the Walden Home, do any of you know this place? I've been supplying him with information on places to go, numbers, contacts,etc. I don't if I should continue doing so this is my dilemma. My son is now homeless, all family bridges burned.When he leaves jail, there will be probably no one waiting for him. This makes me sad but he truly continues to relapse & get in trouble. He has hurt me so much and my heart is broken.
My youngest daughter, 19, continues her sinful and destructive lifestyle. My sister, whom I trust and confide in, asked me if it was time for me to confront my daughter about how she makes a living, since we all suspect she's an escort. My sister believes it's time to let the cat out of the bag. Now if I do that, what do I gain? what if she doesn't call me again? My only contact with her is through calls and texts. Thank you for reading this long post. I truly appreciate your input and wise advice.


waterdance

Posts: 624
Registered: 6/10/09
Re: Need advice
Posted: Nov 24, 2010 2:12 AM
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Dear Fatima....About your son....I would consider going to see him while he is off of drugs to tell him how you feel and how he will have to take care of himself. I'm not saying it will make any difference. Who knows?....About your young daughter....this is a real heartbreaker. Of course you know what she is doing. Telling her so one change one damn thing. In spite of her addiction you are hearing from her. Not hearing from her will be worse for you right now. Believe me I know. The strange thing about people on meth is that they believe that what they are doing is perfectly "normal". I've heard this from several former hard core meth users. Your daughter most of the time doesn't give you or anyone else a second thought. She is deep into the meth life. I think of all the hours I have spent thinking about my kids' addictions and what I could do etc etc. And all the while they were high and they could care less what I thought.Most of the time I was used for money. help . housing.and more. When I quit giving many quit calling from both sides of the family. So much has been spent that now after all these years I really can't stand the thought of us giving a penny more. Getting Chuck and I healthy emotionally and financally is what I find important these days.. I truly do work at detachment. We are also worn out. Fatima, I don't know how but you need to find your life again for the sake of yourself and the others in your family. Thinking of you, Deb


mixnroll

Posts: 59
Registered: 5/23/10
Re: Need advice
Posted: Nov 24, 2010 7:35 AM
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Dear Fatima,

First and foremost think about what is right for you and what feels good to you. It doesn't matter what other people think you should or should not do. Do what feels right for you. My feeling about my son is that I want to continue to show that I love him and support him in his sobriety but I don't want to do anything that will enable him to continue drug use. So if visiting him in jail feels right to you then do it. It shows you love and care about him. If it is too hard for you then don't and write him a letter instead. I know that visiting a child in jail is an awful thing. As far as your daughter, she knows what she is doing, she doesn't need to be told. Will it help her to know that you suspect she is an escort? It certainly won't change it. So again do what feels right to you... my sense from your post is you want to keep the door open to communication and I think confronting her may close that door. Your sister may be under the mistkaen impression that as your mother you still have some control and influence over her decisions.... and that is not true at this point. Have you ever gone to Al-anon? I have been going to a parents meeting recently and it has been extremely helpful.


Fatima

Posts: 125
Registered: 12/30/09
Re: Need advice
Posted: Nov 26, 2010 3:10 PM
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Thank you Deb and Mixnroll for your wise advice. We will be seeing our son tomorrow only for 15 min. It takes almost 2 hours to get there. It's going to be tough but that's where he's placed himself due to his choices. so little time to say what I want to say. I plan to write him a letter after the visit. My daughter was planning to see us for thanksgiving but ended up not coming, saying that she's not ready to see the family or be "judged". No one in our family judges her, on the contrary, love her so much and hurt for her choice of lifestyle. Today she says that she might get a ride close to our city and possibly see us. I don't hold any hopes since she's done this before. I do want the opportunity to share what's in my heart with, so I'm praying for wisdom. I know she does what she does, I don't understand it at all, but it's her life and she will have to own up to the consequences. I'm beginning to feel the need to detach for my own sanity and recovery. My two kids are taking me down with them and I can't let that happen for the sake of myself, husband and rest of the family. Thank you again my friends, I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I will post a follow up soon.





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