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Topic: Helpless
Replies: 13   Pages: 1   Last Post: Dec 9, 2010 11:39 AM by: motto

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Replies: 13
ljjc

Posts: 3
Registered: 11/17/10
Helpless
Posted: Nov 17, 2010 1:19 PM
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I have 2 sons who have both had addiction issues for the past 5 to 6 years. They both are addicted to Oxy's. I have had them in and out of rehab, in and out of my home and have paid for their living expenses, legal fees, cars, insurance, etc, too many times to count. They are both addicted again and currently not living with me. One is with his mother and admitted to us this week he is hooked again and does not want to go to work. I told his mom she needs to make him leave. he is 25 years old. My other son is 23 and lives in an apartment. Just yesterday he was fired from his job for stealing money and was beaten up by his employer. They will not call the police and press charges, though I want them to. He was working "under the table" so they will not report it. he is now out of work, hooked on OXY's, admits now that he uses regualary and will not seek treatment. he is sure to want to come and live with me and my wife. I am taking a stand and told him I love him, but will no longer help him. he is not allowed here. he has no place to go. Frankly, I am looking for support for the decision I have made to no longer help/enable either of my 2 sons. Nothing I have done to help them has worked. They can present themselves well when they need/want something. otherwise they continue to lie, steal, manipulate and use.


waterdance

Posts: 624
Registered: 6/10/09
Re: Helpless
Posted: Nov 17, 2010 5:09 PM
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Hello ljjc.....My husband Chuck and I now after years and years of bailing kids out, paying their bills, going to court, having things stolen, housing them, letting one do her parole here, taking care of their kids etc. etc.....will no longer shell out a nickle for any of them. This means both sides of the families. Talk about being codepentent. He and I were the King and Queen. We kept thinking that if we do this one more thing it will help. We deluded ourselves. Now here we are so many years down the road. My son died 5 years ago (meth and pills).....Oldest daughter hasn't seen me for over 4 years. She's on meth, whatever. She called, said she was 4 months behind in her house payment.Chuck's sister (chronic alcoholic) is always getting evicted, losing her job.....brother on meth (hasn't worked for over 6 years) living with his mother, More later...Deb


waterdance

Posts: 624
Registered: 6/10/09
Re: Helpless
Posted: Nov 17, 2010 5:20 PM
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Now that we won't help with anything the phone rarely rings these days. We are working to become healthy once more financially and have a good life for ourselves. I'm writing a book about these experiences, about parents recovering, surviving. Until your sons make up their own minds to help themselves you will continue to be in this hell hole with them, Take care of yourself and the rest of your family. Your life is still "rich" in spite of your sons being hell-bent on destroying themselves. You can do absolutely nothing to stop this train. It's up to them alone. Read about codependence, time shifting, right brain thinking, spiritual healing through nature. Take care, Deb


ljjc

Posts: 3
Registered: 11/17/10
Re: Helpless
Posted: Nov 17, 2010 7:12 PM
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Thank you for your words of advice. How do you get past what are they doing, are they safe, do they even have anything to eat?


Lori

Posts: 28
Registered: 9/29/10
Re: Helpless
Posted: Nov 18, 2010 9:43 AM
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P.S. You never get past the worry, they are our children ans have chosen a very high risk life style. We can only pray, and support them when they show the desire to really change and get well


tam101

Posts: 5
Registered: 9/15/10
Re: Helpless
Posted: Nov 25, 2010 1:10 AM
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I pray you find recovery in Al-Anon as I have and so many others have, too. I sincerely hope you give it a try and find a meeting that you feel at home in. Coming into the loving fellowship of Al-Anon has been honestly the best thing in my life - it has helped me truly become the person I always wanted to be - not the fearful, worried, irritable, and angry person I was becoming because of my son's addiction. Every relationship I have (including the one with my son) is changed. Blessings to you as you continue this journey. I know it is so difficult - I have woken up many a morning wondering if my precious boy had made it through the night. But the tools, literature, meetings, and a loving sponsor has 'saved' me as well.


motto

Posts: 10
Registered: 11/9/10
Re: Helpless
Posted: Dec 9, 2010 11:39 AM
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You will never rid yourself of worry, but this is what helps me. When I lie down in bed at night, I pray. Something like this: God, my son is so sick. I know you love him even more than I do. I know you are rooting for him and working in his life to bring the people and circumstances he needs to find his way out of this, to find you and give his life meaning. I know that you have hopes, dreams and a purpose for my child. So I give him to you today. I know that sometimes, what looks like a disaster might help him in the long run. Give me strength in times like this. Please rain down your blessings on my child, all hurting addicts like him, their families and mine.


JLP2

Posts: 64
Registered: 2/22/10
Re: Helpless
Posted: Nov 17, 2010 10:25 PM
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You are doing the right thing. If they do not want to stop and are making no attempt to get help then you will only be the victim of their abuse. My son is a wonderful young man when he is clean and sober but when he was using he would steal whatever he needed to, to get the drugs he wanted. I couldn't believe anything he said. We told him we would always love him, unconditionally, but we would not help him continue doing what he was doing. We weren't perfect at it that's for sure, but if he was willing to get help, we would let him be here with conditions. It was a very, very difficult road, a journey that is measured by the hour, but worth it to see the improvement and have hope again. Don't allow the addiction to destroy you and the rest of the family. Take care and keep coming here for support. People on this forum really do understand.


Lori

Posts: 28
Registered: 9/29/10
Re: Helpless
Posted: Nov 18, 2010 9:40 AM
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yes, you are doing the right thing, painful as this may be. My 22 year old son, also an Oxy addict, is out of control, and my husband and I spent our savings on rehabs, legal fees, doctors, etc all to no avail. We finally kicked him out, the most difficult decision we ever made, and he lived on the street as a homeless vagrant, it was pathetic. Our son keeps stealing from us and we can't have him under our roof, and giving him money or assistance only goes for more drugs. Stay strong, you are doing what you must. I understand your pain, this is a parent's worst nightmare.


ljjc

Posts: 3
Registered: 11/17/10
Re: Helpless
Posted: Nov 18, 2010 12:02 PM
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Thanks to all of you who took the time to respond. It certainly is a difficult thing to deal with and watch as one, and in my situation, two, of your son's destroy themselves, their lives and a family. The hardest thing is not knowing, but guessing, the ultimate outcome as well as the never ending worry. I suppose you must no longer expect the same aspirations and joys of living for them as you or your other children who did not go down this path of addiction have.


mixnroll

Posts: 59
Registered: 5/23/10
Re: Helpless
Posted: Nov 18, 2010 1:37 PM
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I have not yet figured out how not to worry and I am not sure i ever will. However enabling them clearly doesn't help them and just makes it easier for them to keep on what they are doing and get deeper and deeper into their drug use. So you are definitely doing the right thing. My son is 19 and currently in rehab so at the moment I have hope. I know there is no guarantee though. He had gotten himself in a whole heap of trouble, had his bail revoked and spent two weeks in jail. That may be the best thing that ever happened to him. Until that point I was pretty anxious, always waiting for the next call from the police etc. The hardest thing I ever didi was tell him when he was in jail that he could not come home, that he could not come home unless he had treatment. So he was sitting in jail with no other place to go. It definitely got him thinking because once he had the experience of jail he really hated it. So we did get a lawyer and they did come up with a deal which included drug treatment and probation for 2 years with random drug testing. So now the heavy hammer is with the court and not with us. This will give him a chance but as you all know it is a chance he has got to make use of. If we had not taken a stand he might be back home doing the same old thing, getting deeper and deeper into drugs. At least for now I can sleep at night.
We did start going to alanon and that has been a big help. So I recommend if you can to find an alanon meeting for parents. It has been a huge help to me to meet other parents who have kids who are drug addicts.... and the focus is not on them but you.


Fatima

Posts: 125
Registered: 12/30/09
Re: Helpless
Posted: Nov 18, 2010 8:55 PM
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Hi, I too have 2 kids addicted to alcohol, drugs and sinful behavior. My son age 31, had a very promising college education and a good job. He's lost it all and is now in jail on a 60 day sentence. He's been in and out of rehabs and jail 4 times. My youngest daughter only 19 is out on her own living as an escort with bad people and doing meth. You can imagine the horrible pain my heart feels. So many sleepless nights, feelings of despair and the million questions that we all have "why" "what if". I'm learning that there are no easy or answers that make sense of their insane behavior. We have decided not to help our son anymore, not even a jail visit. We've been down that road so many times that it's just too painful. My little one calls me or texts once a week. That's pretty much all I have from her. The last time I saw her was in August. She looked so frail and gaunt. I have more bad days than good days, but slowly, very slowly I'm beginning to accept the fact that there's nothing I can do for them unless they want to change. With my son there were months that things looked better but then we were so let down by another episode. You are doing the right thing by loving your sons but being firm. Our addicted children are not only ruining their lives but ours too, we must think of ourselves first which is the hardest thing to do and in some aspect not normal for a parent. Please continue to post in this forum. We may have different circumstances but share the same pain.


waterdance

Posts: 624
Registered: 6/10/09
Re: Helpless
Posted: Nov 19, 2010 3:57 PM
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Hello ljjc and all, May not get through this post. Computer has problems, Going into shop tonight. No, You never stop worrying. I do worry about my oldest daughter Stella, think about it every day BUT when she was here for a year and a half it was hell....really an up and down time. The cost was unreal. She would take off for Phoenix every few days for more drugs and then the whole merry go round would start over. When she was in a good mood she was high, then came coming off and she was terrible and would claim she had the flu. My daughter has had the "flu" for at least 30 some times. When she started smoking meth heavy she claimed I had never been a mother to her and she said a lot of untrue things to the rest of the family. Her daughter M is also an addict and she's been in and out of jail, prison Will write later, Deb


Santillanes

Posts: 2
Registered: 11/19/10
Re: Helpless
Posted: Nov 20, 2010 5:53 PM
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As desperate as it feels, you have made the right decision. There are so many of us out there just like you. My youngest son was addicted to meth. Fortunately, after 12 years he is doing pretty well right now, but the only way to create change is for you to change your reactions. You must not pay their bills, or feed and clothe them, nor should you invite them to family functions. They are getting the money for the pills somehow, they will figure it out. I have written a book "How to Love an Addict" but am having a hard time getting it published because of the cost involved. It is practical information I learned over a 12 year span and want to share with people just like us. It is the most heartbreaking situation to be in, but you have to stick to your guns. You can literally enable someone to death, and you must not be a partner in his addiction. Good luck, and God be with you and your sons.





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