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Topic: my untold story
Replies: 46   Pages: 1   Last Post: Jul 17, 2011 8:14 PM by: jessica

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Replies: 46
jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
my untold story
Posted: Jul 23, 2010 3:05 PM
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Well many on this website have addictions, had addictions, or knows someone who's gone through one. Many think addiction is with drugs or alcohol but my personal addiction is with life, just the simplicity of not wanting to be alive and by cutting it all away.
As a child growing up I didn't have a bad life at all. I went to catholic school and lived in a little town where everything seemed to be ok. My parents got a divorce when I was only 5 and looking back on those days were hard. I remember when I was only 4 years old my father beat up my mom and I watched as the police dragged him out of my house in nothing but his underwear. Things never were the same after that. I continued on my merry way of my childhood very isolated from others yet I somehow always became the center of attention. None of the girls in my grade liked me cause I liked hanging out and being like the boys. Also, none of the parents liked me or my mom because getting a divorce was still a newish thing and shunned upon back in the 90's, especially being a "catholic".
Everything was ok till the 6th grade. This one night will never leave my memory no matter how hard I try to forget it. I was laying on the couch at my father's apartment and him being a raging alcoholic came storming out and screaming at me right in my face saying, "you were a mistake! it was only 2 minutes and it wasn't even good enough!!" (referring to having sex with my mom, which at the time I still was convinced a bid bird planted a seed in a mommy's bellybutton and that's how the baby grew!) After hearing this I was devastated and could not believe what I just heard. I quickly called my mom and her boyfriend at the time (my step-dad now) came and got me and brought me home. I felt lost and unwanted and I wanted to die. This was my first attempt at suicide. I tried to cut my wrists but I was too afraid so I didn't go very deep, but I kept trying again and again till it became a habit of cutting the pain away. Then some of my classmates noticed and told the school nurse on me and I had to go to counseling and I hated every second of it!
I didn't see my father for half a year. Between then my mom got married to George which was very hard for me because for most of my life I lived with just me and my mom alone so letting a new man in was very strange and I didn't like it one bit. But they got married and I started to talk to my father and gradually start to see him when one day he told me my mom was pregnant. I didn't believe him so I asked my mom and she said "who told you I was??" At that point I completely lost it. I lost everything. I lost the feeling of being my mom's baby, I lost my feelings for my mom and disappointment because she never got to tell me, and the fact that she ALWAYS would tell everyone that I was her Bella and she would never have another kid. Well Giuliana was born. I grew to accept it.
Two years pasted and I was finally in the 8th grade getting ready to graduate from the school I was in for 10 years. Life at home was going down hill until my mom had enough of me and kicked me out. I had to go and live with my father. Those where the worst days it seemed. Joseph, my father, really never grew up and still to this day hasn't and so to him life was just one great party with drinking and just loving life without caring about school or work. So that's what I did. I stopped caring about everything and all I did was cut, drink, and smoke pot with the totally wrong crowed. Finally I had enough of this way of living and begged my mom to let me come back and live with her. Thank God she let me!
After that I went to high school and well I was really depressed all the time and tried to isolate my self even more. I didn't want people really to notice me and I started to cut a lot again. In and out of school therapy I never told anyone what was going on and how I felt so I just bottled it all inside and let it out by a glass of vodka and a sharp razor blade. My mom took me out of the school I was in and sent me to a private boarding school in the middle of nowhere! I hated going there in the beginning but I grew to like it. Still I was having trouble with myself and self esteem and with cutting.
Mom had another baby, my brother Lorenzo. I hated it and told my mom while she was pregnant that I wished the baby died. But she had him on May 2nd, right before my birthday! Well, while my mom was in the hospital I got really depressed and ended up not eating or drinking for a week and then I had to go to the hospital on my 15th birthday because my kidneys where malfunctioning.
Sophomore year came and it left like forever! I joined tons of clubs and did sports but I wasn't happy. During basketball season they found out I was cutting bad and sent me home to get tested for 2 weeks. I really don't know what they were testing for but during the whole time being at home no one would talk to me and my mom would just turn the other way. Finally they let me back in school after me calling and me begging to go back. I started softball season and got hit by a ball in a game right in my eye! I had to go to the ER and get cat scans and everything. They gave me perks to take for the pain but they gave me so many of them, so I just held on to them. After my eye healed my boyfriend at the time Chris wanted to help me go out and find a summer job. I just turned 16 only 2 weeks previously and Chris was 19 turning 20. He parked his car in the train station and that's where I lost my virginity. I was date raped in the back seat of his car at 12:00 in the after noon. He dropped me off at my house after and I never heard from him ever again. I was ripped apart but I couldn't show it to anyone. I acted as if it were normal and just told my friends that it was all fun n games sort of thing. No one knew the pain I kept inside and I didn't tell any one either.
Junior year started and I was still cutting. Not only that but I was drinking even more and also popping pills and getting hooked on perks. Everyone loved me and wanted me to go to all of their parties because they knew I was easy and a crazy person when drunk. So that was my entire junior year, parties, drugs, sex, and, well the normal fighting and screaming between my mom and my father.
Finally, senior year at last! This was going to be my year! I was president of my class and student council, I was in the environmental group, teens in action, and captain of all sports I was in. Then everything hit me and I needed help. I finally told some one about the rape that happened to me in October and I was cutting really bad and then I tried to get a therapist but nothing was working out for me. I just kept cutting and cutting and I could no longer control it seemed. I sometimes did it up to 3 or 4 times a day and I just would not care!
I finally got put into a program which changed my life. In the beginning I pretended that everything was ok and I was the quite one who really never said too much but then I started to talk and it was helping. Two months into it I was almost out and then I got sent to a mental hospital because I tried to commit suicide again and drank so much I totally blacked out and didn't remember anything that happened that night. When I got admitted I hated it and everyone there. I kept cutting and I got in a huge fight with my mom which lead me to try to kill my self again. Finally I got out and returned to go to the program and now actually used it to my advantage. I got the help I needed and I got out of it on a positive discharge right before I graduated! I was so happy! I graduated and started my summer off and got my self a job.
I didnít cut for a whole month but then living at home was starting to get hard. I started cutting again and didnít really care what I was doing to myself. I got in a huge fight with my step-dad and then he told me to go and drown myself, so I tried. Looking back at that night I sometimes wish I went through with it because I hate him so much! I cried and cried and I cut so much that I was getting dizzy from all of the loss of blood. I had my friend's dad pick me up and I went to her house for the weekend. I came back and started to live with my grandparents.
Things arenít better totally but they're getting there. Iím really trying now hard not to cut. Iíve been cutting for 7 years! Now its so hard to stop but as I write this now it's been almost one month without cutting. Yes, Iíve wanted to but some how I haven't and Iím happy I didn't. For me cutting is my addiction, when I was sad it was there to comfort me. When I was alone, scared, tired, or even if I was in a good mood, cutting was that thing to get me high and away from the moment, away from life. The scars are still there all over my body but the ones that hurt the most are the scars on my heart. Iím trying to learn to live but I donít think Iíll ever learn to forget. This problem I might always have but its up to me wither I act upon it or not. The problem with addiction for me was the guilt of others. I didn't want to stop cutting for me I did it for other people. I would promise them I wouldnít do it again, but I would slip and fall into doing it again. I would feel so horrible about doing it that I would just go and do more to get rid of the pain. It never worked. It was a vicious cycle and still is a vicious cycle! There are still days now when I walk by something sharp and imagine me using it to cut myself. There have been times of desperation like when I was in the hospital and I took the screw out of my wall to use it to cut myself. Iíve used knives, scissors, blades, razors, erasers, screws, rocks, plastic, my nails, a door stopper, anything I could get my hands on. It was a nasty thing having to search for the next weapon of choice to slash up my body. I hope people read this and realize that cutting is a very serious thing and that if you need help go get it before this addiction takes over our life like it did mine. I didnít write every little detail just now but there is way more to my untold story of life and if anyone need to talk, ask questions, or just need to tell their similar story, Iím here for you. I know what the pain is like and how hard it is to reach out for help but please if you need help or know someone who needs help get help! Before it's too late. You never know when that one cuts going to be too deep. It might just be your last cut. My name is Jessica. Iím 18 years old. Iím a recovering addict of cutting. Thanks for reading my story.


JLP2

Posts: 64
Registered: 2/22/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Jul 23, 2010 7:36 PM
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Jessica you are a brave girl to tell your story, I'm sure it wasn't easy. Thank you for sharing it and letting others know how difficult this addiction is. A young woman that I know went through this for many years. After lots of therapy and support groups she is doing very well. You are in my prayers and I hope you will seek out a positive support group and someone that can mentor you. It sounds like you need some stable caring people to surround yourself with. Take care of yourself and take it one day at a time.


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Jul 28, 2010 6:17 PM
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thank you sooo much... i honestly didn't think anyone would read my story... so just getting one responce feels amazing, i kno im not alone. i'm trying really hard and today has been a very hard day and i almost gave in but i tried to distract myself and so i somehow remember writing this and so i figured i'd check it. i can promiss you now that tonight i will not do anything because of recieveing ur responce. thank you so much for your prayers and you are now in mine too.!! :)


Winnie

Posts: 105
Registered: 9/26/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Jul 28, 2010 6:55 PM
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Jessica,

Yes you are a very brave girl, you may not believe me now but each day should get easier and you will be stronger because of it. My son is a drug addict - he is presently in his third treatment centre - almost 60 days clean. He finally told us and his therapist his secret - now he can truly begin to heal and hopefully get mentally stronger just like you. One day at a time


lilypad

Posts: 143
Registered: 10/14/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Jul 28, 2010 8:38 PM
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Jessica, you are a precious girl. Thank you for sharing your story - it had to be hard to do. My son is 17. He started cutting when he was 13 - he had a lot of guilt about using drugs and alcohol, stealing and lying and living a double life. He was molested by his oldest brother when he was 6 - we did not find out until he was 15 and he told a substance abuse counselor about it. I think that was another reason for the cutting. He is doing better. He has only cut 3 times in the past year - each time was because he had relapsed and was using drugs again. The thing is he found that he was not getting the same "relief" from it anymore. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong - try to get some supportive people around you. Keep on coming back.


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 1, 2010 3:05 PM
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Again, another relapse.
Fortunately I almost went 1 month with out cutting
Unfortunately I just did.
Fortunately I stopped before I did too much
Unfortunately I started to begin with.
Fortunately I'm with my friend and her family who love me a lot
Unfortunately I don't feel like I can get the same love from my own family.
Fortunately I ... I can't think of anything all I know is that I F'ed up again and really could use some help. I really don't understand me at all. It's so easy to go out and help other people and give them advice yet I can never seem to be able to use any of it. I can feel myself slipping down and headed into a wrong direction, yet again, but I choose not to do anything for some reason. I know the answers, at least I think I do, but I sit back and let all the woes of the world crash on me and then when the after math comes I ask myself why I couldn't do anything? I find myself thinking way too much about things I would never dream to be thinking about, like buying a house, if I can actually live off on my own, how I'm going to pay for things, and then I start thinking about my funeral and stuff like that which are sooo not relevant yet for some reason I feel as I'm typing on and on i'm LETTING THAT LITTLE SOMETHING OUT... i DON'T KNOW. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've come to realize that I'm totally afraid of life. I have no idea what to do with it and I need more help than I realize I do... help help help. As soon as I truely realize I need it I guess then I'll understand. As for now, I just gotta hold it together and keep pushing on. I just don't know how long I'm gonna be able to do that.
Unfortunately I can't keep doing this.


mixnroll

Posts: 59
Registered: 5/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 1, 2010 7:57 PM
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Jessica - Hold on to those fortunatelys... yes you relapsed but it could have been worse.... now it is time to let that go and go on from here. There is a reason people say one day at a time... it is overwhelming to start thinking about all of life and all the possibilities or impossibilities. Say the serenity prayer..... and tell someone you need help. You know you do and that is so the first and major step. You might see if there is a young peoples AA meeting in your area.... if there is it might be helpful even if your addiction isn't alcohol. Do you have a therapist, if so call them and tell them you need an appointment soon. If not call and find one.... I know you feel your family doesn't love you.... but are they willing to help at all?

Thinking of you and hang in there.


cindykay

Posts: 284
Registered: 6/5/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 1, 2010 8:37 PM
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Jessica, I have a daughter who is 22. At the age of 15 she was raped and began cutting. She too attempted several suicides and became a heroin addict. You two share so many similarities. Today, 7 years later she is 1 1/2 years sober and has not cut in 5 years. The most important thing I remember regarding cutting is the staff stating, "She will replace this addiction with another." She did. But it was more important at that time to stop the cutting and worry about what came next later. In Ohio at that time she was placed in a 12 week DBT program with others (destructive behavior therapy)where they used Eastern Philosophy and taught how to get in the moment. She would walk outside barefoot, lay and watch the clouds, climb trees, and watch the stars. She would rate her anger and use other alternatives other than the razor or knife. Ice cubes, rubber bands, pinching. There are excellent resources on DBT on the internet. Call your local hospital and inquire regarding this program. Make sure they use the Eastern Philosophy. It worked for us, but yes, she became addicted to drugs instead to deal with the pain. Here, AA can help. Cutting is a very misunderstood diagnosis and many fear and do not understand. I truly understand what you are going through and all the whys. You have to get involved in a program with others and understand there are other means to deal with your anger and "wanting to feel alive."


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 1, 2010 11:18 PM
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thx for the feed back. i've heard of DBT but i could never find anything like it near me. now that i'm heading off to college i'll deff. try and see if they have anything like it near the campus. i'm sorry your daughter had to go through a lot like i did but i'm glad she's sober and very happy she's 5 yrs with out cutting!


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 1, 2010 11:28 PM
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return to mixnroll

I'm trying to hold on to the good stuff i'm just stresing out a ton lately. i had a therypist but she didn't help at all!! i'm on my own when it comes to my health, especially mental health. my family doesn't understand. i think they'er too afraid to try and understand. i have my friend micala and her family who i talk to and they are my support. i honestly can say that with out them i would not be here now! its sad that to actually be able to get things off my chest i now come to this website to talk to people i dont even know from who knows where but i will say this ... i'm so greatful that i did find this because everyone i've heard from has been so helpful to me and with out even really knowing me! i truelly wish to thank every one. i try hard to take everything you say into consideration and use it in life when it gets hard. thx for the continuing support. -Jess<3


Message was edited by: jessica



JLP2

Posts: 64
Registered: 2/22/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 2, 2010 2:18 AM
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Don't give up. Take it one hour at a time and do seek out some help tomorrow. Thinking about too much and how everything will work out can be too overwhelming, take one thing at a time, baby steps are ok. It is never too late but remember that it is hard work and you can do it, one step at a time. Praying for you. Stay in touch.


lilypad

Posts: 143
Registered: 10/14/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 2, 2010 12:07 PM
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Remember that the past is gone - over and done with. Stay right here - in this moment and remember that you are loved and you are special. You are in my thoughts and prayers and those of the other people on this forum. Hang in there and keep in touch - it helps.


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 5, 2010 10:00 AM
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I have been doing so much better!! I'm now on a trip to Europe with my best friend Micala and her family. The day I left I foud out that my mom is getting a divorce from my step-dad... that was really hard to find out over facebook! But I took it better than I though I would. I just kept telling mylself and I still keep telling myself "you're only in Europe once in a life time, don't think about it at all, mom is all grown up and can take care of herself, HAVE FUNN!!" Its hard but I'm doing good. Thank you all for your thoughts, feedback, and especially your prayers! I will keep updating because I must say everyday really is a challenge so to be able to just get it out is suce an amazing help thank you all again sooo much. much love and prayers, -Jess<3


lilypad

Posts: 143
Registered: 10/14/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 5, 2010 8:41 PM
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Have fun Jess! One day (one moment) at a time. Stay in the present and have a wonderful time!


waterdance

Posts: 624
Registered: 6/10/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 5, 2010 10:13 PM
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Hi Jessica, lilypad is right. Stay in the moment. Have a good time seeing so much. Keep a travel journal. Let us know how you are doing. Hugs to you young lady, Deb


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 6, 2010 10:57 PM
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Hi there Jessica. I just read your post and I can see that life has not been easy for you. The things that were said to you and done to you are indeed painful and should never have happened!

I admire you for sharing with us on the forum. You are letting some of that pain out and that is good. Keep letting it out and remember that none of this was your fault.

Would you do me a favor? The next time you want to hurt yourself please stop and remind yourself that you have had enough pain, undeserved pain. Then give yourself a hug! Why? Because you my dear are worth it.

Allow others to love and help you, and if you do not feel heard then keep searching for someone that you feel comfortable sharing with. Sometimes it takes a while to find someone you feel comfortable sharing with, but don't give up.

Take a day at a time and remember that none of us can control other people, we can only control what we do.
You deserve a happy life and I pray that each day you will feel stronger and most importantly you realize that you are a sweet and loving person who deserves to be loved.

Sending you a big hug :o)

Ann


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 9, 2010 5:01 AM
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Thx lilypad and waterdance, i do love hearing from you. your words of advice really helps so much. and Ann i was actually just talking to my friend micala like 2 nights ago and totally just broke down a had a good crying fest together, i needed it!! i must say i'm actually kinda mad at myself for cutting the last time because stupid me did it on my thigh and we went to this HUGE pool and everyone there was looking at my leg, and since were in Germany i can't understand anything they're saying so i felt soooo embarrassed!! it's just times like those i need to remember how it felt so if i think of cutting again i hope that too can somehow make me think twice before doing it. but recently i've been doing good, the only not so good thing is that i've been keeping all my feelings locked inside and i'm really afraid that when i get back to the states that everythngs going to come flooding out and i go straight to college as soon as i get back so its gonna be one huge shock to the next. so please give me some advice of what to do cuz im too clustered to really think of what to do. thx love Jess <3


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 10, 2010 8:08 PM
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Jessica,
A good cry is good for you! You said you've been holding your feelings in and that can be frustrating. I hope you will continue to come here and let those feelings out when you are not able to talk with anyone.

I am not a doctor,,,but I wonder sometimes if the reason people cut, etc., is to let out the pain? So, talk, cry and just let the anger and sadness out (in a safe way of course)

You can always come here, there are wonderful and understanding people here who care :o)
Hugs to you Jessica,
Ann


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 12, 2010 5:50 PM
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not doing good
well lets say i think the only breason ive been doing so good with not cutting is because ive been drinking since ive been in europe. i love that im leagle and even now ive had a few drinks and the stupid meds im in for depressinon just make me get more drunk faster which is scarry sometimes. i was thinking all today though and i dont know... its just that... i dont know... i think too much and i m sitting here thinking and i want to die get away from everyone and just never come back, yet then i feel like all i want lis for a simple hugg and thats all i really want ... but i dont know wat i want, i need help i knopw that but i just cant seem to get better. i hate deporession!!! so much i feel ;like my life is a pile of shit but then u see people in aferica and u think even wores cuz you think ohh they hav it bad so wat r u complaining about. i just think way to much ad i feel like i can be imn contorl of myself but i kno i cant. im sorry im writing drunk on this but i need ed to talk to something or someone instead of a knife, i jst dont kno wat to do and i jst want to die I NEED HELP i really do im my own emeny n i hate me i cant do it anymiore i reallly cant im done i wish i really was


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 12, 2010 5:54 PM
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JESSICA,,,,you did the right thing by coming here! Just try to breathe and calm down. Can you talk to your friends mom that you are with? Please just know that we all care about you here.
I am going to say a prayer right now for. Now you come back here and let us know you are ok.
Love,
Ann


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 12, 2010 6:09 PM
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Jess,,,the alcohol will only make you feel bad honey. Is there anyone at all that you feel you can talk to right now? I am so sorry you are not feeling well. Please try to relax, and think of someone you feel will listen to your feelings.
I know that it is so very hard. Remember we all care about you here Jessica.

xo Ann


JLP2

Posts: 64
Registered: 2/22/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 12, 2010 7:06 PM
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Jessica, I too am praying for strength and peace for you. Can you talk to the people you are with? Remember that you are loved, you are a child of God, He doesn't make junk, you are His treasure! I pray you will feel arms around you as we all send hugs. Go for a walk and look at the beauty around you. Do something kind for someone else and you will feel good too. Hang on. Julie


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 16, 2010 2:33 PM
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depression sucks. i hate the feeling of being sad for no reason. i'm tired of no one understanding, but i can't blame them because i too don't understand. i hate the way i feel. i hate the way i look, i'm at a constant fight with my weight and image. if only i lost 10 pounds, if only my hair looked nice, if only i got to go chill with the "cool" people and do the "cool" things they do. but i'm not skinny, tall, beautiful. i'm not popular, cool, or really in any group at all. i feel alone, not wanted, or accepted. i'm the one at the party that looks at everyone, then tries to dance. although all my "friends" would say different. they all believe that i'm the "leader" that i'm fun, well im not really, i just pretend. i honestly don't know what i want. all i can say is that i'm tired of everything and i hate feeling like this!


waterdance

Posts: 624
Registered: 6/10/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 16, 2010 6:09 PM
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Hi Jessica...Only 18. You write well. Has anyone told you that? Sounds like you like to write to. Now how can I tell you this? The only thing you need to do is change the way you think. Start reading about right brain thinking, timeshifting, spiritual healing....there's much more. Melony Beattie writes about finding peace. Then she goes on to write that we have all the resources.......water, a sunset, a walk, a friend, a prayer, a friend.......I read this, then wrote..August 14,2010..my resouces: the day, a sunset, an orange glow sunset, a laugh, a prayer, a new bud on a shell-pink rose bush, smell of mint, Honeyboy Edwards singing "Catfish Blues", kisses from my pups, a poem, callfrom a friend, dew on a wild morning glory, coffee ice cream, cat sunning herself in the window, a hug,Love Deb


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 18, 2010 12:25 AM
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Hi Jessica,
I agree that depression is no fun at all. You said you are sad for no reason? I think that you are sad for a lot of reasons. The childhood you described is very sad and unfortunately our childhood effects our future.

You also said that your friends would say you are a leader and fun to be around even though you are pretending. My father was an alcoholic when I was growing up. Most children who grow up with an alcoholic or addict have a tendency to behave like an adult and try to make everything seem "ok",,,even though it's not. I did not see that in myself until I was in my 40's. Even now I find myself trying to pretend everything is ok even when it's not.

My father's alcoholism effected me in so many ways, even today I find myself thinking "you're not pretty, you're not lovable, etc." I know these things are not true, but it comes from not feeling loved or protected by my father.

I am better now and you can be too. These feelings that you have are normal for what you have been through. You were hurt and felt unloved growing up. The truth is that you are worthy of love, and you are beautiful.

I hope that you can find someone to talk with about these feelings and begin to love yourself. Why??? Because my dear you deserve to live a good life without letting the undeserved things that happened to you control your life. I pray that you begin to take back your power day by day.

Heartfelt hugs,
Ann


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 21, 2010 1:26 PM
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on my way to college.
i'm nervious, i can't mess up!
this is my last shot, my only shot.
i need all the help i can get.
i feel like i'm bout to throw up,
yet i'm holding it together for my mom and my sister.
just another time i hide and hold in all my trueemotions.
with all the stress with my mom and her husband its kinda been hard. but i have the good news of saring that they are NOT getting a divorce! although i really don't like her husband i want them to stay together for my little brother n sister. mom wants to work it wout but she's under sooo much stress!! she's drinking a ton more, started to smoke, and is always short tempered, especially me yet then she just breaks down and starts to cry. i don't know how much or how long i can keep this up anymore how can i help her when i myself need help too. im just so scared about everything.
i stoped drinking, i've stoped myself and have now gone 4 days without drinking. i want to not drink anymore, or atleast not the way or reason why i used to.
i'll try to keep intouch.
i'll come back if i need help, and im gonna get a new theryipist too! looking foward to a lot, just well nervious.


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 21, 2010 10:17 PM
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Hi Jessica, I will be praying for you as you settle into college. Please remember that we are always here and that we care. I am so happy that you are not drinking. Alcohol intensifies our emotions. So if you feel sad, then it can make you feel even worst. It's just not worth it. Alcohol has made my son lose everything that he loved and watching him do it was heartbreaking.

Remember that in college you will be faced with many opportunities to drink and party. This is when you have to be extra careful and remember what devastation addiction can cause. Please don't fall for the "peer pressure" to do unhealthy things just to fit in. I believe many college kids look up to someone that has the courage and determination to say no, even if they won't say it out loud. You've been hurt enough by alcoholism and I'm hoping that you will smile and think of yourself as a strong brave girl who chooses life!

Jessica, this is a fresh new start for you. Talk to your counselor or a close friend and let the pain out. You have the chance to break the cycle of addiction and pain that you know too well.

Keep in touch and know that we are all thinking of you.

Hugs to you,
Ann


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 25, 2010 11:35 AM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

well college is ok so far,
to be totally honest i haven't beed doing good
i've been smoking pot way too much and already had sex with one of the guys in my building multiple times. i feel like shit. the one time i get to start over again somewhat, i mess everything up!


Winnie

Posts: 105
Registered: 9/26/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 26, 2010 5:25 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

Remember tomorrow is another day. Put that behind you and move forward.


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Sep 2, 2010 11:19 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

my letter to my friend :(

hey you never called. by the way you look in all your pix i can tell your enjoying college and all the parties, maybe that's why you never called me. it seems that you enjoy keeping in touch with ashley though, that's very nice of you. i'm feeling as though our friendship just isn't the same any more. maybe were now the kind of friends that don't see or talk to each other for a long time but then when they randomly bump into each other at a store it feels like they just saw one another the other day. for the 1000th time no, i am NOT mad at you, it's just i've come to a realization that our paths have officially split. this is the part that we each go our own way. no i don't want it to be like this but i also hate how our relationship is and i don't want to lose it either. you say i can tell you anything but it feels like your not there to listen. you can keep telling me "you only got one life" or "college is suposto be fun" but really i hate to look at your drunk and or high photos of you past out under a table. i miss my old friend. i miss the real abby.
love
-her old best friend


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Sep 16, 2010 2:09 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

Hi Jess, I have been away for a while and have not posted. I am sorry you are struggling and that your best friend is avoiding you.
I must say that the little letter you wrote to your friend was full of wisdom my dear. You write beautifully and your thinking seems to be leaning more toward being healthy than numb?
You may not be there yet, but I sense that you are heading toward a healthier and happier life.
Remember that "Jessica" matters! Perhaps your friend will come back around, who knows? However, the very fact that you are standing up for what you want to become is powerful.
Please remember that we all care for you. When you slip, just get up and keep moving. Relapse is extremely common before someone finally finds a life of sobriety and happiness.
Sending you hugs,
Ann


sas

Posts: 6
Registered: 9/15/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Sep 16, 2010 2:54 AM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

Hi Jessica,
My son is a cutter,along with a recovering addict, alcoholic and has mental illness. Your story helps me.
The cutting is hard for me.
I want my baby boy back.


sas

Posts: 6
Registered: 9/15/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Sep 16, 2010 3:05 AM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

I just read some of the other replys on here. I don't know what to tell you so you will fell safe, happy, adjusted, settled. If I did I could tell my son and he would be cured!
Life will never be completley easy, change and newness is hard. It is how you choose to live those hard moments that counts. Some days your moments way have to be lived second to second and other times you may be able to live a few hours at a time.
The one thing I always tell my son when things get rough is that eventually the hard times will pass and you have to be able to understand that and know that you can live through the rough patchs.
It sounds like you have earned college! I hope that you will be able to see the power you have, take control and move forward. I wish you all the best. Keep writing! My son writes it helps him!


sas

Posts: 6
Registered: 9/15/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Sep 16, 2010 3:11 AM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

Ha! Ha! It's late at night (early morning) I can't think to long at a time!
If you want to read some of my sons poetry let me know and I will tell you his blog address. You and him might connect with the cutting issues.
He wants to get a group like AA only for cutters. The other group he would start is for those individuals with mental illness and addiction (dual diagnosis) a lot of people at AA thinks he should go off his meds that take care of his mental illness. That would be disastrous!!


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Sep 17, 2010 9:30 AM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

Hi Jess, I have been away for a while and have not posted. I am sorry you are struggling and that your best friend is avoiding you.

I must say that the little letter you wrote to your friend was full of wisdom my dear. You write beautifully and your thinking seems to be leaning more toward being healthy than numb?

You may not be there yet, but I sense that you are heading toward a healthier and happier life.
Remember that "Jessica" matters! Perhaps your friend will come back around, who knows? However, the very fact that you are standing up for what you want to become is powerful.

Please remember that we all care for you. When you slip, just get up and keep moving. Relapse is extremely common before someone finally finds a life of sobriety and happiness.
Sending you hugs,
Ann


Ann

Posts: 646
Registered: 6/6/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Oct 3, 2010 3:40 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

Jessica, please write to let us know how you are doing. I think of you often and would love to hear from you.
Love,
Ann


jess778

Posts: 1
Registered: 11/3/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Nov 3, 2010 5:15 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

well i havent been on this in a long time and i forgot my password... but i havent been doing very good
just this month i was in the hospital 2 times for sucide attemps, ive been smoking weed again, cutting a ton again, drinking till i black out againg, and well nothing has changed ... i really have no more hope left in me. i feel like a failure and i just dont care any more... i just want to escape from the world forever.


mayabee

Posts: 89
Registered: 9/10/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Nov 3, 2010 10:45 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

So sorry for your pain. Are you seeing a counselor or psychiatrist, on any medication? Are you close to your family & able to talk to them about what you are going through? If you attempted suicide, did the hospital set you up with any aftercare? Thinking of you - please don't give up.


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Nov 21, 2010 6:29 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

well i remembered my password finally!
but that doesnt help the fact that im getting worse each and everyday! i hate life and i dont see the point of trying to live any more! i want to quit! i done with everything! i just want some one to hold me and make everything ok but thats never gonna happen!


fightingformyboy

Posts: 13
Registered: 10/11/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Nov 21, 2010 11:58 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

If you are still in college I learned when my son was going that the student health services has very cheap help. If he would have chosen to, he could have gone to group discussions or had private sessions with a psychiatrist. You would be surprised at how much people care and want to help you. I understand a little bit about your problem because my husband met a young college girl at church who has a real serious problem with cutting and burning and attempting suicide and we have her over to our home every Tuesday for dinner and to listen to her. She also sees a therapist twice a week. When she doesn't feel safe she can call us and we will come and take her knife, scissors, etc. away and just spend some time with her til her urges pass. I will be praying for you to be safe tonight, and for someone to come into your life that can be a true friend for you. I am sure that there is someone out there who would really care about you. As a mom with a son who uses pot, let me tell you that it has only made things so much worse. So much worse. Please do not let people use you. Don't settle for the illusion of love. You deserve the real thing. Our little friend is getting better with treatment every week. Find help tonight. Life can get better. I care. If I were there I would want to put my arms around you hug you and tell you that things will get better because I KNOW they can. I have watched it happen. Please keep posting.


JLP2

Posts: 64
Registered: 2/22/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Nov 24, 2010 12:35 AM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

I care Jessica, and I am praying for you. Don't give up, do something positive for yourself everyday. Little steps can turn into huge changes for you if you just try. You are worth it, and you have to believe that. Take care and please seek out a mentor or counselor.


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Dec 30, 2010 3:17 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

Slowly I'm falling apart I hate everything now a days and I want t be done now! I need help but I don't want it and if I do get it I say I'm fine when I know I'm not! I hate Me n the way i look and act n every little thing about me! My friends say they care but lie to my face. My family says they wNt to help me but they don't do anything about it. I really wNt to just give up now and quit life for good. I'm sick of who I've become and I want to run away n never come back. I can't stop thinking of suicide and I don't feel worth it ne more!! I try n get help Nd I called a hotline for suicidal prevention Nd I they hung up on me 3 times!!! I really needed help because that night which was only two nights ago I drank by myself n fell asleep in the bath tub full of water and woke up bleeding cause I cut all over my legs! I almost want to be put away but I don't have the time or the money. I go to therapy 3 times a week n it doesn't help it actually makes me worse! I want to be done I want to just die I don't care what everyone else thinks I'm so sick of everything I'm just going to go cut more and see where that leads me to next!!!!


mayabee

Posts: 89
Registered: 9/10/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Dec 30, 2010 9:38 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

Jessica, I am so sorry for what you're going through. No advice for you- just want you to know that I care.


jessica

Posts: 17
Registered: 7/23/10
Re: my untold story
Posted: Jan 17, 2011 8:31 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

well i'm back in college. i wonder if i should even be here half the time. i feel like i should just be put away in some mental place because i'm just not fit for everyday life any more. i hate how everyday seems like a struggle to me. nothing went wrong today at all! it was a good day today, yet i sit here and i just want to be dead to the world and i dont care who i leave behind. this is horrible i know but thats the thing that scares me that i dont care. i guess i do care sinse im saying something but still, i scare myself. im on new meds now and i all they make me do is want to sleep, and for some odd reason i had the urge to go out and get my tounge pierced so ya... im just totally not myself like this is really weird.. at least it is for me...
that and well the cutting has not stopped and right now i really want to but im actually trying not to. my friend who i usually talk to is having a hard time and thats just stressing me out too because im afraid she might do something. im just stuck in the middle of so many things and i only have me to blame for that. as of now im all alone, i havent talked to my mom im over a week or anyone else in may family. i stopped calling them to see if they would actually care to call me and they havent so i figured they are just going on in their lives without me. i really just want to go away from everyone and everything for a long time. if i dont wake up tomorrow i wont be upset. ive lived my life and i feel like im just ready to go.


Winnie

Posts: 105
Registered: 9/26/09
Re: my untold story
Posted: Jan 19, 2011 8:25 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

I am so sorry, i do not un derstand how you feel but i know you are suffering. What i do when i feel i just cannot cope any longer is i exercise. When you exercise your body releases what i refer to as the "happy hormone" Not sure what your level of fitness is - even going for a walk helps. Try and think happy thoughts.


rantfactory

Posts: 2
Registered: 4/20/11
Re: my untold story
Posted: Apr 20, 2011 3:04 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

Jessica, I admire your honesty and courage when it comes to posting about your life. I am almost 28 yrs old and always feel as if something just went wrong somehow and that there was never really a reason for my being here in this world. I dont feel comfortable with most of society and things can be tough. Your story that you shared along with the struggles as they came along really touched me, and I feel alot less alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! -Candace


Helicopters

Posts: 0
Registered: 8/12/12
Re: my untold story
Posted: Aug 12, 2012 10:27 PM
  Click to reply to this topic Reply

SHOPS FOR RC Helicopter !!! a world of mine.oh my god!!!oyea!!!for everyone......enjoy it!!!
GOGOGOGOGO!!!!!




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