Houghton Mifflin Discussion Forums

Replies: 10

Bethsmom

Posts: 21
Registered: 7/5/10

enabling
Posted: Jul 5, 2010 11:54 AM

We have been going thru this for 3 years. One of the biggest things I have learned is that I have enabled my daughter for too long. Giving her money and letting her do things her way has to stop. She has been thru rehab 3 times and was not fully invested. She continues to drink, smoke pot and hangs with the wrong people. She does not have a job or go to school. Now she has left our home because she will not follow our rules any longer Thank God she nolonger huffs. I have to let her go only to fail again. When she was huffing she caused mental damage. She does not realise the consiquences of her actions and refuses help. I can only pray that she sees the light beause right now her future looks poor

ginamac

Posts: 143
Registered: 6/28/09

Re: enabling
Posted: Jul 5, 2010 1:49 PM

I can relate to the enabling! I give my son a few dollars here and there for cigarettes or food and then I find out what he's really buying. I threatened to kick him out but he has no job, no money, no car, nowhere to go so I always give in when he makes his weak promises. I finally left HIM! Its the most painful thing on earth to watch your child do things that hurt themselves and not be able to stop them no matter how hard we try. When they were little it was so easy. I'll pray for you and your family.

Bethsmom

Posts: 21
Registered: 7/5/10

Re: enabling
Posted: Jul 5, 2010 9:59 PM

Ginimac, thanks for your words. We took our daughter's car away, she has no job, no incentive and hangs with loosers. All we can do is pray for our chidren and pray we can stay strong thru all of this. This forum helps.

waterdance

Posts: 624
Registered: 6/10/09

Re: enabling
Posted: Jul 5, 2010 11:45 PM

Hello bethsmom and ginamac, How many times did I put out money for this and that and it went for drugs?...more than I'll know about. I feel I have been conned big-time. Stella called me 5 nights ago. She is flat broke...told me her house payment was 3 months behind and daughter M took her car to Nevada. She's suppose to be getting 8,000 rebate or so she tells her sister because there's monies borrowed. Maybe that's gone too. Stella and M went through 80,000 since late December!!?? I was surprised how cold I was. Daughter Janice feels I've handled all wrong. She asked "Don't you want a relationship with her again Mom??" As long as she's on drugs I don't. There I have finally said it. Can't have her back in my life the way she is. Won't go down the drain with her. Take care all, Deb

Hopeful

Posts: 53
Registered: 4/15/09

Re: enabling
Posted: Jul 10, 2010 2:09 PM

I am having a hard time with the "enabling" also..Do we enable or let our children die? Could I live with that?
Although I know I CANNOT DO ANYTHING to control this horrible disease it is very hard to walk away. I have done that, walked away. No help, take no phone calls, nothing. My son continues to use, lie, and upset us terribly. In and out of rehabs for years...I am told he just "doesn't want the help bad enough"....so when you don't want it, you do what YOU want, and that is use.
What a sad, sad, situation for all of us. To watch your child die a slow death. I truly fear it will be jail or death this time...its just a matter of time...please pray for me, pray for all of us...we need it.

An addict's Mom

Posts: 143
Registered: 6/4/09

Re: enabling
Posted: Jul 10, 2010 8:39 PM

You are in my prayers tonight. I pray for some peace in teh tough decisions you are being forced to make. I pray for the strength to do what you must for yourself and your son, and I pray for conitued support from othrs who have been in those shoes and know the true heartbreak of realizing you can't love an addict sober.

mixnroll

Posts: 59
Registered: 5/23/10

Re: enabling
Posted: Jul 5, 2010 11:23 PM

I am right there with you. It has been 3 weeks since we told my son he could not live here. He has been In trouble several times in that 3 weeks. He is staying with a friend whose dad is trying to help him and I am hoping my son will listen to him when he wont listen to us. I am trying to be clear with myself about what I will or wont do for him. So in will give him a ride to court or to the therapist, I will bring him some of his belongings, I will buy him something to eat when I see him and that could include groceries. He can not live here, he cannot use our car, and I will not give him any money. I think not enabling means being really clear about your boundaries. I try to stay in touch with him via text even if he wont respond. That has helped keep the door open for communication. I am not saying this is what others should do..I know my son is not as far down this path as some of your kids.

Bethsmom

Posts: 21
Registered: 7/5/10

Re: enabling
Posted: Jul 6, 2010 10:41 PM

Thanks girls. I am torn between wanting to be there for her and letting her go. She has done so much to dissapoint us but I know she is hating herself too. I am no longer giving her money, but will give her a home if she follows the rules and will take her for appointments and get her meds. Looks like we are all in the same boat. Waterdance it seems like you have been to hell and back. God bless us all.

BrokenMom

Posts: 1
Registered: 7/13/10

Re: enabling
Posted: Jul 13, 2010 6:13 PM

I am new and this is my first post...I thought I was the only one that kept letting my adult daughter back in...just maybe this time will be different...guess that's because I wanted so badly, for her for me for my granddaughter, for our family. Going on this for 9 years, out of the 9 years we have had almost 3 good years.
Today I stand empty, hopeless, nothing more I can do. I now have custody of my grand-daughter...due to cps.
My story is the same as Davids...the names are different and there was a child involved but the story is the same. The pain is the same, same lies, same promises, a parents broken heart. I would give anything to make it all stop...and have tried! I cant make it stop...the drug is bigger than I am, the drug is bigger than my love. I cant love her threw it...all I am doing is adding one more nail to the coffin. I have been told I do what I do to feel better...maybe there is some truth to that, however just what if this time it was to be different? is what I say to myself. every one is tired of hearing me...I feel so alone...no mom is supposed to feel this way!

I have but one question.......How do I stop??????

JLP2

Posts: 64
Registered: 2/22/10

Re: enabling
Posted: Jul 13, 2010 6:35 PM

I don't have an answer for how to stop. I guess each of us will know when we can't do it anymore. I know how you feel about not wanting to talk to friends, I don't want to either. You do have to find someone to talk to and you can come here for support anytime. Take care of yourself.

Winnie

Posts: 105
Registered: 9/26/09

Re: enabling
Posted: Jul 17, 2010 1:05 PM

When my son overdosed thats when i knew i was not helping him - that i was actually hurting him. I was told by an addiction therapist never threaten anything you are not prepared to follow thru with. So i never threatened to throw him out thinking he was safer at home than with friends or on the streets- look how that turned out. If they want to use they will find a way. Now i wish i had thrown him out because maybe he would not have overdosed. Who knows - i cannot go back and change anything but i can certainly learn from it. I want to forget that night but i do not so i will never enable again.