Well things have hit the fan here. Our son used the car then other night in the middle of the night. He is not allowed to use the car. He apparently found anotherr key and took the car while we were asleep. We talked to him about it this morning...I was hoping to confront him and tell him he could not live here if he cant follow the rules...and we would give him two weeks to follow the rules and if he could not he would have to leave.....our rules are pretty simple and basic. He got upset and threatened to punch me. We can't live like this so we have told him he needs to leave by noon. I am a blubbering mess but really I can't live liken this any more and i have my daughter to think of.
Addicts have mastered the art of manipulation and exploitation of their families, they have keen survival instincts and get power from knowing that they have their parents' love behind them. Most parents cannot stop addicts regardless of the threats of punishment or promises of rewards they might make because the addict is driven by his impulses. The legal system has powers to control these addicts that we do not have. They can put them in custody away from their drugs, order them into programs or to psychologists, they have the power to enforce what we cannot. You could have your son arrested for taking your car or any other thefts he might commit against you. Often the "wakeup call" doesn't happen until the handcuffs are put on. Shock treatment, they are still testing the limits and defiant. Stopping your son now, before he commits a violent crime or injures himself or others might be a blessing.
Thanks. We did call the police and have them help remove him from our home and we put a no trespass order on him so if he comes here he will get arrested. It feels drastic but we felt we had no other choice. I am aware I could charge him with taking our car and also with threatening me.... I am not ready to do that... yet. I am relieved he is out of the house tonight but also heartbroken that it got to this point.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. My son stole my car too, once that I know of for sure. He also ice-picked my tires once when he was angry at me...I could go on and on. The business about punching you though, that would scare me and piss me off. You need to feel safe and I don't know how you are going to accomplish that. There were times when I felt threatened and I always walked away and didn't test him. I don't recall how old your son is. All our addicts come from different socio-economic backgrounds and have different genetic make up and body chemistry. Statistically some will kick the habit but I think the odds do not favor that result. All I can say to you is that from what I have gone through...stick to your principles and values and stand strong. If getting him out of the house tears you up think about how allowing him to stay will impact the rest of your family, your daughter. It's torture for you and you family, I know. If I knew then what I know now the last 17 years of my life would have been very different (of course, hindsight is always 20/20). Stay with this site and anything else that makes you feel the slightest bit better and/or stronger. Take care, I am thinking of you and praying too.
Thanks Carrie. My son is 18. As far as being a threat... I am not really afraid of him in that i don't think he will come after me and hurt me.... but i do think when he makes his threat I need to back off because if i didn't he might hit me. And that is not ok... I can't let him rule the roost because he threatens us. I feel so sad for him and us but I also feel relief that he is not here. What I don't know is what drugs or how much he is using. We know he smokes pot but in talking to the police today and thinking about it we really don't know. He could be on other stuff too... easily. It just seems he has gone so downhill the last few months that drugs is a big part of the problem.
Heartbreaking is certainly the word for all this. What a difficult decision it is for any parent to force the situation and make him leave. You did the right thing. Looking back, the more I tried to fix things the more I just slowed down the inevitable crash to the bottom. That bottom turned out to be my son's salvation. You are in my prayers tonight - A few moments of serenity and peace are such a gift when going through an experience like this.
Dear mixnroll, I'm thinking about you tonight. Do all you can through prayer, self meditation, soul searching, reading about codependence to help keep yourself together. My friend Julie in Vegas was attacked by son on meth. She went to hospital with 3 broken ribs, scrapes, bruising. He served over 10 years, just got out on parole. We think things can't escalate but they can in seconds. These "kids" on drugs act insane and just maybe he is insane right now. Protect yourself and the other members of your family.Think about making a stand, a solid one. Don't let him back until he has been clean for some time.You are not deserting him. He has deserted you already. You and others are important. He's making wrong choices. Remember that. Let us know how you are throughout the day. Take care, Deb
Our son got himself in trouble with the authorities but we were on the cusp of having him declared incorrigible when he was 15. He is in detention right now for violating probation by using again (pot and alcohol). He's waiting for transfer to 90 days of treatment followed by 90 days of boot camp. Without the courts being involved I am not sure if we would have been able to get him back into treatment. Kicking your son out of the house was the right thing to do - hopefully it will be such a miserable experience that he will be willing to get help. My son is very angry with himself right now because for the first time he is realizing what he has given up by deciding to use again.
Thanks for all your replies...we so far have not heard a word from our son. We have texted him to let him know we care but he has not responded. As far as we know he is staying with friends. We don't know them but we are under the strong impression that the parents are the kind of parents who are friends with their kids and actually smoke pot with them or at least totally look the other way. So at least to start with my son may like it there....but I am sure at some point the honeymoon will be over. I am glad he is not on the streets, I am clear it was the right thing to do even though it broke my heart. It is amazing how much nicer it is to come home and how peaceful it is. I hadn't quite realized how much tension there was until it wasn't there.