Replies: 16

tc Posts: 71 Registered: 1/2/10 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 17, 2010 5:03 PM   Reply Happy St. Pat's Day to you too. I have been a little mopey the last few days too. I am adjusting to the move to MN. and looking for a job. I had a really good job back in TX that I loved and I miss it. I had been there 7 years. It was kind of my one anchor and stability thru the last 3 years with my daughter. Today it was a beautiful sunny day and I took my labradoodle for a long walk and I have felt much better today. Is there a better companion than man's best friend? My daughter is also showing signs of withdrawing, not going to her classes--all bad signs. I know she has a sponsor and knows what she needs to do. She says she hasn't used yet, but she wasn't exactly honest about her school work and classes. ( I found out from another source. Dishonesty--I hate that so much too. I hate the fact that I can't believe her or even in good news, I question it. I guess that's just fall-out from living with an addict. I hope you are all enjoying your day! Best to all.

waterdance Posts: 624 Registered: 6/10/09 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 17, 2010 6:52 PM   Reply Hello tc, I have to get well emotionally. I am better most of the time but that old frantic feeling comes back in full force sometimes.Haven't seen Stella in over 4 years. Last talked to her 9 months ago....conversation very flat. I rave about everything to the other daughter and I shouldn't. I've lost one kid to a drug death and I feel I will lose Stella also. I live with anixous feelings. I'm sure you know just what I'm talking about. Meth changes their personalities and they act like monsters. I talked to someone who was on meth for 15 years and she said during that time she thought she was "normal"!! She also said that she and her boyfriend only worried about getting their meth and cigarettes. Nothing else. She is now very ill with hepititis C. May be he has it too...scare to be tested. My friend J in Vegas has a son dying now with hepititis C. He can't eat, can't keep anything down. There's so many sad stories. Can you move back to where your daughter is? Can she move there? Would she? My big question? What does it take to turn someone around? Drugs have really destroyed my family. The big family I once had anyway. This forum has helped me. Everytime anyone writes I can relate completely. Take care of yourself, Deb

tc Posts: 71 Registered: 1/2/10 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 18, 2010 12:09 AM   Reply Thanks, Deb She can't leave the state until her probation is up in a year and half. I know what you mean about the frantic feeling. For me it is just a feeling of being defeated, deflated, a lack of hope or belief that it will get better or ever end. I grew up with a mentally ill mom. We were very close and I spent my entire childhood trying to "cure" her, make it better, fix it, fix her. In the end she died at the age of 49, and she never got that much better. I don't think some brain diseases, and I do believe that addiction is also one, get better, no matter what we do or how much we love or how we love them. I watched my grandmother beat herself up with guilt--she was just sure that Mom's illness was caused by poor nutrition when they had to live in the work camps in California when my mom was a toddler. ( Grapes of Wrath literally) My Grandmother and Grandfather who let my mom live with them and for all intents and purposes raised me were the best parents, loving, kind, approachable. Still, everyone in town, blamed them for my mom's illness because they weren't spankers and not strict enough. I have also received similar back-lash for my parenting style being to lax. This is a lot of rambling but what I do know for sure is that it's not our fault as mothers, although I feel that way sometimes. This is biological and it just is. I think on some level we mothers want it to be our fault because then we could change something and control the outcome. Thanks for listening.

Molly Posts: 163 Registered: 1/12/10 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 18, 2010 10:24 AM   Reply Deb and TC, it saddens me to read about the sorrow and angst you're now feeling. Deb, the monster of addiction has afflicted your family for generations, and has stolen so much from you - a child's life, another in absentia, a granddaughter now under siege, mountains of money, precious time, friends and relatives - of course there will be days like this. Yet, your optimism, joy in the moment, strength and good humor shed light for all of us. TC, a relocation, as you undoubtedly know, is ranked as one of the highest stressors, even when not leaving behind a fulfilling job and children, let alone a daughter who is better but still fragile. The control you had in Texas was, at best, elusive, and distance minimizes it further. You can not search her eyes now for the truth (and eyes do lie, regardless). Our emotions are like a pendulum that occasionally finds balance and someday, hopefully, stability. I send you both my strongest wishes that this morning brings a better day for each of you. ~ Molly

Molly Posts: 163 Registered: 1/12/10 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 18, 2010 10:24 AM   Reply Deb and TC, it saddens me to read about the sorrow and angst you're now feeling. Deb, the monster of addiction has afflicted your family for generations, and has stolen so much from you - a child's life, another in absentia, a granddaughter now under siege, mountains of money, precious time, friends and relatives - of course there will be days like this. Yet, your optimism, joy in the moment, strength and good humor shed light for all of us. TC, a relocation, as you undoubtedly know, is ranked as one of the highest stressors, even when not leaving behind a fulfilling job and children, let alone a daughter who is better but still fragile. The control you had in Texas was, at best, elusive, and distance minimizes it further. You can not search her eyes now for the truth (and eyes do lie, regardless). Our emotions are like a pendulum that occasionally finds balance and someday, hopefully, stability. I send you both my strongest wishes that this morning brings a better day for each of you. ~ Molly

Molly Posts: 163 Registered: 1/12/10 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 18, 2010 10:26 AM   Reply Don't know why that double posted. Last night I couldn't post at all on either one of my computers. Better twice than blank. Be well, everyone. xox

waterdance Posts: 624 Registered: 6/10/09 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 18, 2010 3:54 PM   Reply Hello, Had good day, good dinner. Husband Chuck does most of the cooking. Best corn beef I've ever had. He cooked it in chicken broth. What ever I write about is telling all that things can go on for years. I was in denial most of the time. I really knew little and I don't think I really wanted to know. My kids all were funtional addicts. In fact they each made top money. A lot went up their noses or was injected(John). And the 3 of them covered up for each other. Since all three had problems they wouldn't say anything to me about heavy drug use. In fact Janice told me how well John looked in October 2005 and 3 weeks later he was dying in the hospital. I am accepting what has happened and what is still happening. I'm fighting to become emotionally stable because there is more to face on both sides of the family. The dragons keep coming, some huge. I am writing a book for parents that need to find their lives again in spite of their kids,relatives addictions. More next post....

waterdance Posts: 624 Registered: 6/10/09 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 18, 2010 4:17 PM   Reply This forum was the closest I found for my own personal recovery. The other forums mainly are about the addicts recovery. This information is wasted on my group as they aren't going to read it. Most of the addicts in the families do not intend to stop any time soon. Stella can go to VA rehap anytime she wants for nothing. There's a va hospital here and Chuck and I made an last offer to help her get on her feet if she goes. She has no interest. I know I sound hard core. This happens after thousands spent, hours spent, emotions tramped on, all kinds of things stolden, forged checks. On and on it goes. Most of you have young addicts (many will recover) and you don't think yours will get this bad. I'm just saying it could happen. Today Chuck and I won't put out a nickle. We did send 200 a few months ago to Chuck's mom who has all kinds of addicts bleeding her dry. When we visited I questioned one living there about how much she was helping. I think Chuck's mom is angry because I did this but so what. It's my money too. I don't even want to support a cigarette habit. Hugs to all, Deb

tc Posts: 71 Registered: 1/2/10 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 18, 2010 5:17 PM   Reply Thanks Molly and Deb. Deb, I want to read your book. Your posts always help me so much. Molly's too. I think we do have to follow the serenity prayer and accept the things we cannot change.... that's the hardest part for me. I still sometimes see my daughter as the one she would have been without the drugs and my life that way too. I know that doesn't help me or her, but I can't help it on the gloomy days. Today is better. I am going for a walk in the sun with my dog, thinking positive. Thinking ahead or looking back is what gets me into the dark place so going to listen to my ipod. Any tips on living in the moment? I know that's what I have to do. I am doing so much better than I used to, but I still get down when I hear anxiety or angst in my daughter's voice and I must stop going up and down with her like that. Today she sounds bright and talking about school, two days ago she was at emotional death's door. It's exhausting.

Molly Posts: 163 Registered: 1/12/10 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 19, 2010 2:02 AM   Reply I wrote a long reply to both of you and most of it disappeared. Too tired to recreate it so here's what's left. An addict's mom. Yep, I hate the whole package. I don't yet know how to live in the moment, TC, particularly when it always seems to be changing. He called today and sounded really good. Wants us to visit this weekend. Not sure, since we're going up on Tuesday for a family meeting, but he was disappointed. It's hard for me to hear that when I'm 75% sure it's not manipulation. I'm a Yo-Yo. Sometimes a puppet. Hey, who's rambling now? But it is exhausting. I fell asleep at 5 PM, missed dinner, woke at 10:15. Same thing yesterday. Love Deb's descriptions of climbing into bed with a good book. Peaceful possibilities. Glad you both had a better day. Oh, that corned beef sounded so good, Deb! Sleep tight.

Molly Posts: 163 Registered: 1/12/10 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 19, 2010 11:00 AM   Reply Here's some of what I wrote and lost last night, largely in response to your emotional fluctuations, TC. My feelings have been locked since we took our son to rehab last week. Then, on Tuesday, his counselor told me by e-mail that they're discussing Phase IV or a sober house as a discharge plan. Something inside me lurched. Phase IV? I don't know what it is. I know what it is not. It's not the university to which he has deferred admission until September. I, too, have been in denial, like you were, Deb. I want this to end. I want him to come home from rehab and be the boy he was before; become the man he has the potential to be. There's another piece. I've always been a very strong person. Don't like to feel weakness. Don't want pity. I feel sorry for people who have problems with their children. I know those thoughts: 'Her son is so troubled. Who would've thought this could happen to him? I feel so bad for that family.' I share nothing real with acquaintances, but it's a small community. What helps me the most is therapy. I go once/week for two hours and feel totally safe there. That's where I was on Tuesday after getting that e-mail. Cried for the first time in weeks. I just want my boy back - and my life, which I barely remember. Deb, I know it can continue for years. I know it could result in death. Thank you for reminding us that - because our children are young - they might recover.

cindykay Posts: 284 Registered: 6/5/09 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 19, 2010 8:37 PM   Reply Molly, the most important thing right now is the sobriety of your son. We had to pull our daughter out of college, full ride, May of 07. She attempted to attend the following fall at a local university branch. By February 08, she was spinning out of control, March overdose, April 2 overdoses and we pulled her out again. The spring of 09 she took one class she had previously failed and was able to continue in baby steps. That summer, two classes, both repeats as well. Today she is full time at the same university, has been able to bring her GPA back to excellent and even though she should be graduating this spring, we are so happy she is alive and able to attend college healthy and drug free for today. While our expectations as a parent continue to be high, they are rarely in line with what an addict can handle, especially one in early recovery. They are so incapable of doing too much without spinning once again. Remember, baby steps, slow and steady. Reward the tiny things as they are miracles for the addict. I would get so happy when she would just remember something or started to take care of herself, clothes matching, hair and makeup. Hang in there and rest while your son is away.

tc Posts: 71 Registered: 1/2/10 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 19, 2010 1:34 PM   Reply Molly: I balked at the half way house. I thought that was for prisoners and not my child. ( even though she at that point was on felony probation) Anyway the halfway house turned out to be a very good thing for her and she made it a year sober and she got stronger and made connections with others at AA meetings. Those contacts were the ones who helped her through her last relapse. It wasn't me. I was very skeptical of the twelve steps in the beginning. I don't really believe in such a hands on God as that, but the steps are the only thing that has worked for any extended period of time for my daughter. A big part of that is the community and acceptance she finds at AA meetings. It is hard though. When I came home from placing her in the second rehab, her acceptance to a local private college was in our mailbox. I cried. Being the parent of an addict is so isolating because you can't open up and tell just everyone and sometimes at work I would feel like I was living a fake life. Everyone assumed I had the perfect family , life because it seemed that way from the outside if you didn't know that one thing. I guess there are no perfect lives. I am quoting someone at an alanon meeting, " Sometimes your idea of a best life keeps you from living your real life". Well That really speaks to me. Take care , you are in my thoughts.

waterdance Posts: 624 Registered: 6/10/09 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 19, 2010 2:14 PM   Reply Hello Molly, Hello tc, Hello All, When I wrote that because your children are young they may quit their harmful addictions I have seen this in my own family and others. A friend of mind was into cocaine and I went with her to her first CA meeting. The place was difficult to find, had to ask at gas station after going up and down the road. Later my friend said she would have given up if I hadn't persisted in finding the place. She's well and clean today. So is her sister who had the same problems, only worse. I've had two cousins die young (32 and 46) from drugs. I do know people who came off drugs after years of abuse but their health is always bad. Is this like a lottery?? More in next post...

waterdance Posts: 624 Registered: 6/10/09 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 19, 2010 2:37 PM   Reply And why pray tell did my sister, brother and I escape alcoholism, drug addition?? We were raised in an extremely abusive home, 13 years of hell. So much happened that it would take several books to tell it all. When my mother died in 1967 the memorial service had over 300 people there. Lots of people got up and talked and my Uncle Joe said something. My Mom was well liked here. I couldn't stand up and say anything. Was afraid the dam would burst. The truth: my mother was addicted to my step-father (love addiction) and stood by while her kids were beaten with a thick cowboy belt, verbally abused day in and out, made to do household labor for hours on end. I was sexually abused and she returned to him. There was much more.I was in denial about her part in the abuse for years. So now I just don't know why my kids ended up with their addictions. Things weren't perfect but not bad. I was a good parent. Hugs, Deb

Molly Posts: 163 Registered: 1/12/10 Re: Happy St. Patricks Day Posted: Mar 19, 2010 3:49 PM   Reply Deb, I ache for the child you were. My son, as you know, is addicted to a psychopath, an evil girl with no capacity for love, no sense of right from wrong, who wants nothing more than to utterly control him and kill his relationships with family. Their bond is based on lies and manipulation. She has destroyed the life he had. He's let her do it. Your mother should have protected her children. TC, in another one of your poems you talk about feeling like an intruder in the real word. I totally understand what you wrote above. Even in the supermarket, I go through the motions of "normalcy." We may be going up to see him tomorrow. I'll let you know. It's good that he's not here. I hope this place can help him, but worry so about his unmonitored phone access. It's like leaving a glass of scotch on an alcoholic's nightstand, or dope within reach of a heroin addict. I miss him. Feel so distracted all the time, and so very tired. My thoughts are with you, too.